DIET GERVAIS…

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Life provides certain indicators that tell us when milestones have been achieved and lines have been crossed. For example, the first sign that you’ve entered middle-age is your purchase of the latest Powderfinger album. Or the last three before that, mind.

Another example? The red flag that tells you that you’ve just lost your sense of humour is finding yourself laughing at a skit from Ryan “Diet Gervais” Shelton who, with the impromptu retirement of Rove McManus, now assumes the mantle of the least talented performer on Australian television who isn’t a part of the Newton family.

Similarly, the signal that you haven’t made the most of your post-AFL career and hit upon harder times surely has to be driving a milk truck in Sydney while awaiting trial on charges of fraud and forgery. If the sad and worsening story of Daryn Cresswell is any guide anyway.

Amazingly, it’s only six years since the former Swans onballer retired from the game after 244 reasonably solid matches. Or was that stolid? Even more amazingly, it’s only three years since Cresswell was an assistant coach at Brisbane and thought to be a future senior coach. And perhaps even more amazingly, by 2009 it’s Cresswell who finds himself a declared bankrupt and $700,000 in the hole due to a gambling problem and not David Schwarz.

During his career, Cresswell made the most of limited ability to become one of Sydney’s greatest ever midfielders due to what was widely perceived as having a pretty wise head on his shoulders. Now, as he sits at his lowest ebb and contemplates time in the big house, the only solace Cresswell can find is that this is Australia and if a man with limited ability can’t return and make something of himself and find success and wealth here then he can’t do it anywhere. Just look at Ryan Shelton.

Whether Cresswell can foresee brighter days ahead is doubtful. Serious criminal charges and a possible stint in jail are no laughing matter. Just like a segment of “Investigationing” or “Philosophisationing”.

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3-PARK SUPERPASS...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

With Waverley Park discontinued as an AFL venue in 1999, the number of cavernous, difficult to get to stadiums with distances between spectators and the playing field akin to a small fun run has remained at one – Adelaide’s Football Park.

Those unfortunate enough to have attended a match at the home of the Crows and the Power will know that the only trip more indirect in the game at present is St. Kilda’s movement of the ball towards goal under Ross Lyon. Somewhat remarkably, a weekender to Adelaide to watch your team on a road trip is actually the only thing more boring than watching the Saints and their chippity chip game plan.

So good news is afoot for football fans in Adelaide with the announcement that the much more central and conveniently located Adelaide Oval is to be upgraded to host AFL matches within five years. The renovations will take the number of tourist attractions in the city up to three, with Football Park combining with the Museè Du McLeod’s Daughters and the water fountain in Rundle Mall to offer a 3-Park Superpass.

The cost of the upgrade is set at $450 million, which is roughly equivalent to $10 in Melbourne money, and will see seating capacity increase to 50,000 to enable the Power to increase the average number of empty seats at non-Showdown home games to 44,000.

All Crows and Power home games in the regular season will be moved to Adelaide Oval while Football Park will be maintained for NAB Cup matches, SANFL fixtures and as the Crows training facility. Port Adelaide will keep their spiritual home at Alberton Oval, while the Crows will still use a discarded bank vault in Snowtown as theirs.

Raising the funds for such a massive expansion to what is one of the best Test cricket venues in the world will be no easy task, with the South Australian government chipping in $300 and the Federal Government topping up the remaining $150 by agreeing to pull back the planned introduction of the internet in South Australia by 15 years.

In the event of cost blowouts during production, any funding shortfall will be covered with money raised from the unclaimed pensions of disabled people who have “mysteriously” vanished in the Hills area of Adelaide.

Current Crows chief executive officer Steven Trigg took time out from being a tosser who uses a string of management buzz words in order to illustrate a relatively simple point about his perception of a Melbourne-centric bias in all AFL decision-making to offer his support for the planned upgrade.

"This investment provides significant potential for the Adelaide Football Club and football generally," Trigg said. His Port Adelaide counterpart Brett Duncanson was equally as excited and that moving from Football Park is a step in the right direction for the embattled club, maybe even more so than finally delisting Toby Thurstans.

"Our fans will be very excited by the opportunity for the Port Adelaide Football Club to play in a city stadium," Duncanson said before unveiling a comprehensive campaign aimed at educating the notoriously uneducated and uncouth Power supporters in the nuances of how to use some of the newer features of the renovated Adelaide Oval that your average Power supporter may be unfamiliar with, such as seats and toilets.

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WORST FOOT SKILLS…

Friday, November 13, 2009

The news of Richmond superstar Matthew Richardson’s retirement has hit most Tiger people hard given that, for most of Richo’s playing career during the 90s and early millennium, the club enjoyed about as much success as Mel and Kim over the same timeframe.

Watching the great man take spectacular pack marks and kick 800 goals was the only enjoyment supporters had with the exception of Justin Plapp’s very strong finish to the 1998 season.

The loss of the club stalwart has been somewhat easier for former coach and playing legend Kevin Bartlett who at the age of 21 had to deal with the loss of his ability to tackle, handball and grow hair. Nevertheless, Bartlett came out this week to express his remorse that Richo was never made skipper of the once proud club.

“It's a great shame he was never made skipper,” Bartlett said. “I'm certain he thought it would have been a great honour, and it would have been, but that honour is now dead”. Much like Bartlett’s chances of getting another job as an AFL coach.

Richardson’s best chance of gaining the job as captain appeared to be at the end of 2004, when former captain Wayne Campbell retired to be replaced by Kane Johnson in what appeared to outside observers as a secret club policy to hand the captaincy to the player on the list who had the worst foot skills. Although this rumour doesn’t stand up to scrutiny when it’s remembered that Steven Sziller, Chris Bond and Paul Broderick never skippered the club.

While most impartial observers rightly assumed Richo was never given the captain’s job due to his inconsistent on-field emotions, Bartlett believes the key forward should have been given the mantle based on his services to the club.

“I thought a couple of years years back the club should have recognised his tremendous contribution to the club,” Bartlett said without going on record as saying that the biggest favour the club could have done Richo was trading him to a team that actually had a chance of making the finals more than twice between the years 1992 and 2009 rather than awarding him the title of captain.

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TRADE BAIT…

Sunday, October 18, 2009

For most people, the cost of courting Brendan Fevola is waking up with a bad case of gonorrhea a few days later. For the Brisbane Lions, the cost of luring the wayward one into their lair has been veteran full-forward Daniel Bradshaw.

After being offered as bait for Fevola during trade week after 14 seasons of loyal service, Bradshaw has decided that, unlike his Jack Nicholson-like exceedingly high hairline, which has gone nowhere since he debuted in 1996, he may be on the move.

The Fevola trade has been controversial for a number of reasons including Bradshaw’s hurt at being offered to Carlton in the first place, Lions midfielder Michael Rischitelli not wanting to leave the sunshine state, and the AFL announcing that an investigation has been launched into an alleged sexual assault made by Fevola on a Herald-Sun journalist at the now infamous Brownlow Medal evening, which has the potential to result in a lengthy off-field spell if proven.

But perhaps the only bigger surprise than all this is the fact Carlton would offer a soon to be 31-year old full-forward with a reconstructed knee a three-year deal. Then again, we shouldn’t be too surprised given that this is the club that allowed a comatose Micky Martyn to run around in 2003 with all the mobility of a Hummer to fulfill his dream of reaching 300 games while playing fullback for the worst team in the competition.

Bradshaw’s agent Colin Young confirmed to the media that Bradshaw’s nose, much like his creaky knee, has been put out of joint by the events of the last fortnight.

"He's rejected a contract from the Brisbane Lions to have a look at what's around," Young said. "He didn't know until the Wednesday (of trade week), so if you were 30 years of age and had four children how would you feel?”

The arrival of Bradshaw onto the free agent market now doubles the list of elderly forwards with decrepit bodies seeking a new home. In Bradshaw’s favour for landing another job is that, as opposed to ex-Tiger Nathan Brown, he’s at least played in one final since the year 2000.

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MAD MONDAY DILDO…

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Revelatory claims made by Brendan Fevola on Melbourne radio have shown that the former Carlton full-forward sought a last-minute trade to arch-rival Collingwood after a potential swap to the Brisbane Lions in exchange for Daniel Bradshaw and Michael Rischitelli fell over late on the Thursday night of trade week.

Fevola made it known that, in an effort to stay in Melbourne and extend his list of off-field misdemeanours at popular nightspots around town, he rang Collingwood president and good friend Eddie McGuire in an effort to create the most annoying and hated pairing in Australian culture with the exception of the unlikely possibility of Stephen Milne joining the cast of Rove.

"It (the initial trade deal to the Lions) did fall over on the Thursday night, I got a call late that night," Fevola told Triple M, mentioning that it was lucky his phone was on vibrate at the time as he would have never heard it inside Spearmint Rhino.

Revealing the anguish that players shopped around in trade week go through, Fevola said "It's a terrible week to be a part of, I never thought I would be a part of it. I think Friday, about 10am, the deal was off and I rang you (McGuire) and said: 'See what the Pies can do because I think it's over'."

Why Fevola ever thought Collingwood would take him is a mystery given the Pies’ raft of young key position forward talent, although Travis Cloke’s 2009 season may shed some light on the matter. Perhaps Fevola was assuming that trades for Jarrod Molloy, Carl Steinfort, Chad Rintoul and Chad Morrison in the past decade was an indication that Collingwood are prepared to offer anyone in their late 20s a deal.

McGuire took time out from plotting to take over the world to confirm that the Magpies were indeed interested in Fevola’s proposal. "We were into it, but they (Carlton) wouldn't deal,'' he said in adopting the same attitude that ex-Mrs. Best Clubman had when we dared bring up the idea of employing sodomy in the bedroom in order to re-stoke what was by then a smouldering relationship.

After a busy and emotionally draining week, Fevola appeared happy to have landed in Brisbane to join what seems to be a team on the rise after its first finals appearance in five years this season.

“It would have been nice to stay in Melbourne, but that's the beauty of our game, it's a national game and you can go anywhere,” Fevola said without audibly expressing his relief at moving to a state much closer than Victoria is to countries without extradition treaties with Australia should this investigation into an alleged sexual assault on a female Herald-Sun journalist on Brownlow night go sour.

With the trade having been completed and everyone attempting to begin new phases of their lives, Fevola has started looking for a home in Brisbane and met some of his new teammates at a barbecue at new captain Jonathan Brown’s house. Brown’s response when Fevola turned up to the barbecue armed with the dildo from Mad Monday as a house warming gift is unknown.

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YANKEE DOODLE DANDY…

Tuesday, October 12, 2009

You have to feel for Luke Ball given his run of outs in the last three weeks. Fresh from missing out on a premiership by two goals, Ball was faced with the knowledge that he remains on the outer with St. Kilda for reasons unknown by anyone who isn’t Ross Lyon, having been offered what by all reports is a relatively paltry contract for a former All-Australian in his prime who managed to accrue over 20 possessions in a grand final despite playing less than 50 percent of game time.

At the beginning of the season Ball was widely considered an A-grade player, only to see his career options dissipate quicker than Macaulay Culkin’s after Home Alone 2.

Then, to make matters even worse, his dream move to Collingwood was scuppered, a team with loyal fans that plays to packed houses every week and has a decent chance of winning a premiership in the next three seasons.

The final nadir for Ball came last weekend, with confirmation Richmond and Melbourne, the worst two teams in the competition, are keen to select him in the upcoming drafts with one of their raft of high draft picks obtained from years of fielding teams with Jake King and Paul Johnson in them.

This final piece of news has Ball reading up furiously on the rules of free agency and contacting Slater & Gordon to pursue the merits of a restraint of trade claim against the AFL and its antiquated trading rules, which make player movement slightly more difficult than a bowel movement the day after eating a sack of potatoes.

And all because Ball, known to be one of the league’s good guys with genuine leadership skills, has a relationship with Lyon that seems to be going about as well as an Ike Turner marriage.

One piece of good news for Ball is the announcement from the Demons that they won’t be using any of their high picks in the national draft to select a mature player, preferring instead to obtain Ball via the pre-season draft if other clubs choose not to select him in the national draft.

This development is believed to have prompted Ball to contact his agent and reverse his decision to commit suicide and/or book that trip of a lifetime to Baghdad wearing a confederate flag around his shoulders and a carrying a portable stereo pumping out Yankee Doodle Dandy to all within earshot.

Melbourne coach Dean “Winning Percentage” Bailey announced that, just like Best Clubman, the Demons would be scouring the nation for the best teenage talent they can find, rather than using one of their high selections in the national draft on Ball.

Acknowledging his decision may affect the club’s ability to land Ball if he nominates for the national draft, Bailey said "(Selections) one, two, 11 and 18 we're going to pick some young players and it's whether (selection) 34 comes into the equation or maybe 50" as Demons supporters hope this number one pick turns out better than Jack Watts and Travis Johnstone.

"I don't think he's going to be there at 50, so it's whether we use 34, but as a list management group we haven't really sat down and decided that number yet," Bailey said while fronting the media wearing a t-shirt with “Can you believe I’m an AFL coach?” printed on the front and a smile appropriate for the only man in history to have won seven games in two seasons and face absolute no pressure to keep his job.

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“THINK HEALTHY”…

Monday, October 12, 2009

With Jesse Smith walking out on North Melbourne during trade week, the finger pointing has begun as to who’s at fault for the injury prone, yet highly talented, son of former club great Ross Smith deciding his future lies elsewhere.

Smith, after managing only 27 games in five seasons due to persistent leg injuries, has suggested through manager Liam Pickering that his decision to leave was based on North’s medical facilities not being good enough, rather than because, as most people forced to watch North suck big time this year had assumed, the club’s playing stocks weren’t good enough.

In Pickering’s words, the Kangaroos didn’t have the right “tools” to assist Smith’s rehabilitation, which is surprising given that Aaron Edwards was a teammate and you’d have to go far and wide to find a bigger “tool” than a man who likes to enjoy the sounds of Lionel Ritchie with his pants around his ankles at a music festival.

Pickering’s excuse is a little hard to swallow for North’s chief of football, Donald McDonald, who rightfully pointed out in response that the Kangaroos are set to open their new $15 million elite training facility within the next month.

This replaces the previous medical facilities at the impoverished club, which consisted of an old packet of Tylenol found in a gym bag left in the rooms by Alex Ischenko in 1994, an ultrasound machine made from Paddle Pop sticks, and three tents stolen from the set of M.A.S.H in the 70s.

"This is a very delicate situation because we could not have possibly worked any harder to get Jesse right," McDonald said before mentioning that the club was charging Smith personally for his medical treatment during the 2009 season, presenting the media with an invoice for $1.37 to be mailed to Smith’s manager to recoup the cost of both packets of Band-Aids, the lollipop the doctor gave him for being a good boy, and the online psychology session that encouraged Smith to “think healthy” in order to get better.

During trade week, North offered Smith a two-year deal laden with incentives that rewarded him for getting on the park. This was rejected with Pickering suggesting his client may be linked to a move to Geelong.

This will undoubtedly come as wonderful news for Smith to know he’ll be off to a club whose medical facilities have so far managed to get former All-Australian Matthew Egan on the park a grand total of zero times since he succumbed to a foot injury in 2007.

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“WEAK C—T”…

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Alistair Clarkson holds a grudge like Lorena Bobbit. The Hawthorn coach, still peeved at the supposed injustice of former Essendon skipper Matthew Lloyd laying what most observers thought was a legitimate bump on Brad Sewell in Round 22, combined with the anger stemming from CEO Ian Robson defecting to Windy Hill, has launched another tirade aimed at the Bombers.

The Hawks are a little touchy about the Campbell Brown affair of trade week, where Port Adelaide alleges that Hawthorn offered Brown’s name on a list of potential trade targets in exchange for Shaun Burgoyne, only to be embarrassed when Brown and Hawthorn subsequently stated the angry little defender was not tradable at all.

"At no stage were we ever going to march a player out of our football club," Clarkson said. “I know the Essendon Football Club did that back in 2002 with Damien Hardwick, Blake Caracella, Justin Blumfield and also Chris Heffernan, and I don't think it did the Essendon Football Club any good”.

While the relevance of this comment escaped most journalists in attendance and came across as another petty swipe at a hated rival, Clarkson’s rant overlooked two important facts in that Hardwick left at the end of 2001, not 2002, in exchange for the draft pick used on Andrew Welsh, and removing someone who was as overrated as Justin Blumfield while getting a second-round draft pick in return is a good thing in the same way that in the last decade three clubs somehow received an answer of “Yes” to the question “Seriously, you want to take Justin Murphy off our hands?”

"Sending out players of that quality affects the culture of your club too much. We weren't going to do that with high-quality players in our footy club that are so important to our culture. Campbell Brown is one of those."

This suggests the Hawks wish to maintain a playing culture that endorses over-the-top tough guy histrionics and slapping the shoulder of Angus Monfries when he isn’t looking but not one that improves your list by trading a limited player like Brown for a superstar like Burgoyne.

In the aftermath of the Round 22 incident, Clarkson was given a $5,000 suspended fine for labelling Lloyd a “weak c—t”. However, unlike Mrs. Bobbit, Clarkson did stop short of threatening to cut off Lloyd’s manhood but only after he’d been pacified by three assistant coaches, a muzzle and a packet of Stillnox.

Meanwhile, the irony in all this is the fact Hawthorn have just allowed one of their own premiership players, and former club leading goalkicker, Mark Williams to leave the club which, presumably in Clarkson’s eyes, doesn’t undermine the culture at Hawthorn the way it did at Essendon seven years ago.

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“STAND BY YOUR MAN”…

Friday, October 9, 2009

Considering Brendan Fevola apologises for his behavior about as often as John Howard apologises to the stolen generation, today’s plea for forgiveness for his drunken Brownlow antics could be interpreted as the great man turning over a new leaf… or it could just be his attempt at defusing new claims of an alleged sexual assault on the night.

Having been traded to the Brisbane Lions earlier in the day, Fevola sought to apologise to anyone who was offended by his Brownlow rampage, which presumably includes Crown’s waiting staff, Rebecca Twigley, club captain Mr Rebecca Twigley, the nightclub crowd forced to listen to his impromptu nightclub rendition of Hey Baby, Ryan O’Keefe’s lips, The Footy Show’s viewing audience, and the unfortunate member of Crown’s cleaning staff who drew the short straw and had to force down the floater Fev left in the toilets of the Palladium Room.

The most interesting development from today was news of an alleged sexual assault on a female journalist in the female toilets on the night in question. Intrigue now surrounds who the woman in question may be, but smart money suggests it was not Caroline Wilson who Fevola allegedly mistook for Jon English in the Crown foyer, forcing Wilson into a headlock until she agreed to belt out the theme tune from All Together Now.

"I think, on Brownlow night ... I pretty much made a dick of myself that night and had too much to drink and I don't think I missed too many people that night,” Fevola said in responding to the seemingly endless torrent of criticism coming his way from the politically correct morass who are slowly taking over and ruining the fun for the rest of us.

Seeking forgiveness for his crimes against humanity, Fevola said “to watch those tapes on the Footy Show and stuff, you just look at it and think you don't want to be that person or ever go back there again because it was embarrassing and you don't wish that behaviour upon anyone” before left-wing liberals accused him of donning black face paint and performing a medley of Jackson Five hits.

“I've apologised to everyone and that was in my statement. I apologised to all the people that needed to be apologised to on the night,” Fevola said as he authorised his manager to send three case loads of White King toilet cleaning bleach to Crown as a peace offering for his misdemeanours.

Not surprisingly, Carlton have sought to immediately distance themselves from their former spearhead. Blues president Stephen Kernahan explained the club’s rationale for separating themselves from their leading goalkicker.

“Brownlow night didn't look good for our footy club but I think the club's acted in an appropriate way,” he said without explaining whether drunkenly reprising Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man” in the middle of the day on Lygon Street in full view of the media before pouring a beer over your head whilst celebrating Carlton’s 1987 premiership constitutes acceptable behaviour.

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QUESTION TIME…

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Until John Anthony kicked the match winning goal for Collingwood in last night’s semi-final against Adelaide, the last time Best Clubman saw someone dog it so badly for 120 minutes was Robert De Niro’s performance in Meet The Fockers.

Fortunately for Anthony, unlike Meet The Fockers, his story had a great finish with him kicking the match winning goal just seconds before the final siren after receiving a contentious holding free kick against Ben Rutten without the ugly spectacle of watching Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand pretending to be a quirky old married couple.

With Anthony lining up for goal with less than a minute left after amassing a measly three possessions from almost four quarters of football, you could forgive Magpies coach Mick Malthouse for being a little worried about Anthony’s ability to kick truly after experiencing the kicking yips from the midway point of the season.

According to Malthouse, the result was never in doubt with the veteran coach having complete faith in Anthony’s ability to do what was, until recently, a task he was exceedingly good at despite the fact most Collingwood fans were hoping Anthony would cramp up and be forced to hand the kick to Simon Prestigiacomo.

But Anthony’s straight boot with only seconds remaining on the clock capped off a remarkable comeback after the Pies trailed by 26 points at half-time in a first half effort that was less entertaining than question time in federal parliament or an episode of CSI Miami, whichever is being shown later on free-to-air TV these days.

"That's their job - I thought Jack could knock it over," said Malthouse. "I was quite comfortable that Jack had it, barring a total kick into the man."

Even more remarkable than the Magpies comeback was Malthouse’s ability to mask his anger knowing that Anthony’s exploits at the end of the game mean he has to pick him for this week’s preliminary final with Geelong or face the wrath of the Pies faithful.

As opposed to Anthony, many of Collingwood’s younger brigade managed to enhance their reputations in the heat of finals football, with Steele Sidebottom, Brad Dick, Tyson Goldsack and Cameron Wood all having their moments, causing Malthouse to be downright giddy about the future of the club,

"Finals football is on a big stage and there's no room in sides going forward for players who can't perform on a big stage," he said in a statement that doesn’t completely rule out dropping Anthony this week rather than watch the inevitable toweling he will receive should he cop Matthew Scarlett as a direct opponent this week.

Considering Anthony couldn’t stop Bulldogs full back Brian Lake from running off him in Round 22 despite Lake possessing a posterior of sufficient size to demand its own icon on the weather map, perhaps the only man happier than Collingwood supporters as Anthony’s kick went through the big sticks was Cats coach Mark Thompson.

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A PUFFY SHIRT UNDONE ALL THE WAY TO THE WAIST …

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Anyone who remembers the movies Swordfish or Monster’s Ball for anything other than it representing the first time Halle Berry got her kit out on camera is either a liar or Fred Nile. Yet, while we’d all waited for this day for so long, when it finally arrived we didn’t feel as joyous as we’d hoped.

Sure, having Halle’s baps as a mental image assisted Best Clubman on those lonely nights when the only thing we had to pacify our immoral urges where a tube of moisturiser, a conveniently sized circular hole we discovered in our neighbour’s fence, and a splinter removal kit.

But think about what we lost. We haven’t looked at Halle the same since and the world’s a poorer place for it. She’s just like all those other celebrities who’ve been unable to resist the urge of showing their wares in public and Berry is now no different to Paris Hilton, Sharon Stone and Therese Rein.

Although we may have just imagined that last one given our fantasy for banging a chick on a pirate ship was evoked after Mrs. Rudd wore that puffy shirt with the ridiculous sleeves.

Relating this long-winded analogy to Chris Judd’s current predicament, how disappointing it is for the hundreds and thousands of people who have looked at Judd as a shining example of a footballer with a brain, only to now know he and his eye-gouging, pressure-point loving ways make him no better than the rest of us.

Will we ever look at him the same? Will we be able to love him like we always have? Will we still be able to wear a low cut red dress and prance around in front of the mirror with our todger between our legs pretending to be Rebecca Twigley at the 2004 Brownlow Medal?

Last night the AFL tribunal did what we all knew they would in suspending Judd for three games for making unreasonable and unnecessary contact to the face of Brisbane's Michael Rischitelli during Saturday night’s elimination final.

The act itself seems so incongruous to a born leader who won a Brownlow, a premiership and, most importantly, Twigley all by the age of 23.

Carlton brought out the big guns in its defence of Judd, bringing in QC David Grace to uphold the great man’s reputation against what was plain for all to see were the actions of a dirty player.

"There was no intent to cause any harm whatsoever," Grace said of Judd's actions in lifting a statement directly from Dick Cheney’s autobiography entitled “The Joys of Water Boarding: It Only Sounds Like Torture”.

But AFL legal representative Jeff Gleeson, who spends his weekends informing small children that the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus aren’t real, did what he had to do and shattered the myth of Judd as some sort of super human with a better moral code than the rest of us.

"This wasn't in the play, Rischitelli would not have expected contact and could not have defended himself (as Judd was standing over him) and this was not an event that should have occurred on the football field," Gleeson said in a statement which does not rule out applying pressure point tactics in an Ultimate Fighter bout or an end of season trip involving NRL players and a drunk groupie pinned down on a bed in a cheap hotel room.

"I am obviously disappointed with the outcome but now we will go and assess our options and make further comment at a later date and that is all I can really say right now," Judd said after the tribunal’s ruling before leaving Best Clubman with one less hero and one more lonely night with the moisturiser, the hole in the fence and a mental picture of Therese Rein in a puffy shirt undone all the way to the waist.

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THE BIG BANG THEORY…

Sunday, September 6, 2009

When news came through that Western Bulldogs livewire Jason Akermanis had decided to re-sign for another year, most people who witnessed Alan Toovey burn him off at Etihad Stadium six weeks ago assumed Aker had put pen to paper for another year at Nova, rather than for the Bulldogs.

Akermanis was recruited to the Bulldogs at the end of 2006 as the missing piece in the club’s premiership puzzle, which so far has returned a grand total of one terrible finals campaign in 2008.

At the time, some doubted the merits of the trade for the Bulldogs, with Akermanis over 30 and coming with a minor history of soft tissue injuries. However, the most entertaining personality in the league has proved surprisingly resilient, missing only four games since crossing to the club.

Over the same period of time, approximately zero people involved with the Brisbane Lions organisation have missed their former Brownlow medalist who, from the outside at least, seems about as annoying as an episode of The Big Bang Theory but, remarkably, even less funny.

The dynamic forward believes his body can handle another season. “A couple of weeks ago I got a strong impression that my time at the club was to be welcomed for another twelve months and that's always a nice feeling. I think that up until that point I'd just figured that I would retire at the end of the year as I was getting that feeling that they didn't want me.”

Providing more evidence that he is actually one of the better blokes of the AFL, Akermanis even suggested he would be willing to take a pay cut in order for the Bulldogs to re-sign defenders Brian Lake and Ryan Hargarve to further help the team’s premiership ambitions.

"I think they will re-sign Brian and the same with Ryan Hargrave ... it's not so much about money rather the will, the want and the enjoyment and that's there, we can work out all the facts and figures later," Akermanis said.

Hopefully for the fans and media alike, all this means the continually entertaining Aker can remain one of the few players worth listening to and one less example of the usual football-speak offal espoused by people like Ross Lyon, Dean Bailey and Brett Ratten, whose dull, dreary, cliché-laden method of speaking has forced the state coroner to add an extra box entitled “Suicide after interviewing AFL coach or player” under the “cause” section of death certificates.

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EYELASH REMOVAL…

Tuesday, September 1, 2009-10-09

Ah September. That time of year when the sun comes out, the grounds harden up, the finals begin, and Richmond officials go on holidays and start working on walking into a room at Etihad Stadium during trade week and asking “Anyone want Richard Tambling or Jay Schulz?” while maintaining a straight face.

For the first time in a while, Essendon will be a part of the finals, offering players like Brent Stanton the opportunity to kick sideways spinning drop punts on a much grander stage.

Unfortunately for the Bombers, they will do so without the services of skipper Matthew Lloyd, upcoming ruckman Paddy Ryder and tortoise-like midfielder Sam Lonergan, all of whom have been suspended after Saturday’s spiteful clash with Hawthorn.

Essendon have decided to not challenge the penalties handed down to their three troops on the basis that Brad Sewell now communicates via an Etch-A-Sketch after being hit high by Lloyd, Ryder was seen clearly jumper punching Luke Hodge in the most incriminating footage not featuring Brendan Fevola urinating on a nightclub window, and Lonergan’s ability is such that the club couldn’t justify the cab fare from Windy Hill to AFL headquarters at Docklands to challenge the penalty.

Coach Matthew Knights indicated that Lloyd himself agreed not to challenge his four-game suspension for his head-high bump on Sewell, which was unexpected given the furore surrounding the incident suggested most people thought the penalty was against the spirit of the game in the same way as St. Kilda’s style of football.

"We support Matthew's decision and obviously there has been a huge focus on head-high and I think Matthew felt himself that it was done and dusted in many ways because head-high contact is a nasty part of our game at the moment and there's a real big focus on it," Knights said.

While most people thought the Bombers would challenge Lloyd’s penalty as a show of support for their long-serving spearhead, the decision to accept the ban makes sense given Lloyd stood about as much chance of getting off as Barry Hall did after claiming he was just removing an eyelash that wouldn’t budge from Brent Staker’s cheek that had been bothering him all game.

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COLOMBIAN MARCHING POWDER…

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The AFL tribunal has reinforced St. Kilda being undefeated through 20 rounds and Andy Maher occupying four prominent roles in the football media already told us – the game of AFL as we know it is dead.

In upholding the match review panel’s decision to suspend Hawthorn spearhead Buddy Franklin for his perfectly executed bump on Tiger Ben Cousins, the tribunal has laid the foundation for next year’s AFL marketing campaign to contain the slogan “Now with NO physical contact”.

Franklin’s penalty was extended to two matches after initially only getting one week from the match review panel, making Franklin the third highest profile victim of gambling in the football industry behind David Schwarz and Simon Goodwin, who incidentally had five large bet on Franklin getting off and is now so in debt he’s decided to feature in those chip ads with Dale Thomas in order to a raise a couple of extra bucks.

While Franklin clearly made high contact with Cousins, most observers with a passing interest in the game had assumed the bump was legal as it occurred in play and Franklin had his elbow tucked into his body, meaning Cousins injury only occurred because of the disparity in heights between the parties being the equivalent to Aaron Sandilands trying to get a leg over Pink in the sack.

Hawthorn football manager Mark Evans tried to rationale the club’s decision to pursue the matter further. "We decided last night that we will contest the findings of the Match Review Panel and go to the Tribunal."

As for Cousins, when pressed for his recollection of the clash, his account was a little sketchy. "I was playing and my next memory was sitting on the bench," Cousins said. "I have no memory of it."

When asked to better describe the light-headedness and short-term memory loss associated with the bump, Cousins estimated that it was somewhere close to the former after a night out with 12 vodka and Red Bulls, two lines of Colombian marching powder, and a quart of ice.

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KING HIT…

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Unlucky Richmond tall Graham Polak hasn’t played at AFL standard for 420 days, which is exactly three more days than teammate Jake King, who has managed to squeeze in nine games in that period for the Tigers.

That will all end this weekend when possibly the best and most heart-warming story of this AFL season reaches it end when Polak takes to the field tonight after suffering significant head injuries after being hit by a tram last year.

Polak has showed terrific courage and strength to return to the field. Amazingly, the former first round draft pick can even laugh about the incident now. "I laugh about it now. I know it was a serious (accident), but I can't sit there and let it get me down my whole life," Polak said yesterday.

The incident occurred when Polak tried to run in front of a tram near Armadale road late on a Saturday night. Unfortunately, Polak’s was unable to avoid the oncoming tram travelling – a vehicle that travels at low speed and is unable to make any lateral movements, making it eerily similar to performing tackling drills with Troy Simmonds at Tigers training.

Polak was placed in an induced coma with doctors worried he would not survive, let alone play football at any level again. Upon awakening from his coma, Polak is alleged to have believed the year was 2029 and asked medicos whether Richmond had made the finals again since he’d been asleep.

"I have to get over it some time. I laugh and say, 'How can I get hit by a tram that's stuck on two tracks?'. It was a silly thing of mine, but I've got a good story to tell my kids and grandkids."

The journey culminates tonight when Polak dons his new protective helmet and takes to the field against Hawthorn, making him the second player to take to the field after suffering a significant brain injury after Brendan Fevola.

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“THANK YOU FOR COACHING”…

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

New North Melbourne coach Brad Scott has reportedly secured the job within 30 minutes of being interviewed at Arden Street. Initial reports suggest this rapid timeframe may have been because he was the best man for the job, while others suggest it was because he was parked in a 30 minute zone due to the club not being able to afford its own car park and being unable to reimburse Scott any parking fine should he not rotate his car before the arrival of parking inspectors.

Scott was the last of four shortlisted candidates to be interviewed, which included stand-in coach Darren Crocker, Hawthorn assistant Damian Hardwick, and Scott’s jutted chin, which makes him look like the lovechild of Brendan Fevola and Popeye.

Kangaroos chief executive Don Eugene Arocca informed the media that Crocker would continue to coach the side for the remainder of the season. He also denied any knowledge of any Mafia-related unsolved crimes during Melbourne between the years of 1994 and 2005.

This situation must be difficult for Crocker, who is now forced to coach out the season in full knowledge that Scott will be taking over and is looking on in the stands, which is kind of like your lady friend announcing her next boyfriend to you three weeks before she decides to break up and having him watch your performance in the bedroom so he can gain an insight into how things are done around here.

"We had a 2 1/2-hour meeting with Brad, we continued our own talks after that and it was unanimous and very prompt," Arocca said. “This bloke came to us and talked about the science of football, the physiology of football, his desire to learn more.”

In addition to these attributes, Scott is thought to have secured the position due to him having his own stationary and agreeing to buy his own Footy Record every week without claiming it as a work-related expense.

The clincher for Scott was a 30-minute overhead presentation outlining what he’d learned in his time as a player under Leigh Matthews and as an assistant coach at Collingwood with Mick Malthouse, two of the modern coaching greats.

The North selection panel then held follow-up talks with Scott over sandwiches and coffee, during which the new coach suitably impressed to be offered the position so quickly. Also in his favour was the fact Scott brought the sandwiches, which was handy given North Melbourne has no cafeteria or vending machines in the tent that houses its administration, and the sole contents of the petty cash tin at reception was` $6.15 in coins and Wayne Schimmelbusch’s “Thank you for coaching” certificate with a post-it note on the front reading “Coming in to collect from reception 11/4/93”.

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GIRL GUSHING LIQUID ALL OVER HER MAN…

Monday, August 17, 2009

The female Brisbane Lions fan who doused Bulldogs skipper Brad Johnson in beer at the end of Saturday night’s match has made an apology for her unusual behaviour, stating that she is remorseful that she drenched Johnson in liquid and ruined his night by getting him wet, all before he’d had the chance to go to the rooms after the game and get drenched in Powerade after singing the team song.

Commenting on male-female interactions isn’t really Best Clubman’s bag. Shucks, getting served by a reasonably attractive waitress at a restaurant is cause enough for us to change our Facebook status to “It’s complicated”.

But even we could tell that Johnson, possibly the happiest and most smiling man on the planet not named Larry Emdur, didn’t deserve the treatment who deserved from the clearly inebriated lady. Such behaviour, much like the content of twin Channel 7 fizzers Double Take and TV Burp, is no laughing matter.

The only good to come from the incident is the girl’s sincere apology, as well as Best Clubman, in researching this story, having a legitimate reason to type “girl gushing liquid all over her man” into a search engine on a work computer and watching the resulting videos on YouPorn.

In reality, the Johnson incident was bizarre, with the Bulldogs man being dunked in the Lord’s liquid while handing out caps to the four Bulldogs fans who bothered to make the trip up north, before he admirably looked at the girl and walked away without retaliating.

The video footage then shows the girl mouthing the words “I got him” into her mobile phone and laughing with her boyfriend standing next to her, which seems like unusual behaviour to most of us but may indeed be just another Queensland custom the rest of us are unaware of just like not bothering to have a senate in state parliament, dropping the letter “g” off the end of doing words, and engaging in overt racism.

The Lions released a statement informing the media that the fan, a Sydneysider holding a Victorian-based Lions membership, had apologised and had also agreed to a series of behavioural conditions in order to maintain her membership and attend future games.

Amongst these conditions was an undertaking to never repeat the behaviour again at future AFL matches, sending the offendee a full apology letter, and making a donation to a charity of the offendee’s choice.

To those in the footballing industry, such an agreement is known as a “Fevola” and comes in a class case labelled “not to be used unless in case of an emergency and/or the day after a heavy night on the sauce”.

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KINSHASA FC…

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Sydney Swans have elected to copy the coaching succession plan of Collingwood by having current coach Paul Roos hand the reins over to assistant John Longmire in 2011 or the next time the Swans score over 100 points in two consecutive matches, whichever comes first.

Until today’s announcement, Longmire had been on a shortlist for the senior coaching position at North Melbourne and was to be interviewed early this week. So, with the prospect of taking over at Arden Street with its dilapidated facilities and wafer-thin playing stocks, Longmire made the logical decision and bolted for the Swans position, thereby consigning himself to coaching a club with wafer-thin playing stocks but with facilities that don’t resemble those of Kinshasa FC.

Longmire has been offered an initial two-year contract. “I'm naturally thrilled about it,” he said in that monotone, expressionless manner of his which suggests he is either under the influence of a heavy sedative or has just had the misfortune of watching the Swans play their ultra negative brand of football every week for the last eight years.

"I've been working closely with Roosy for eight years and (football department head) Andrew (Ireland) as well so I think the football department is really set up," Longmire continued while handing the microphone back, sideways, back again and then back even further to other people at the press conference, in order to mirror the woeful game plan the Swans have employed in the last decade.

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HEY HEY, IT’S SATURDAY…

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Years after losing his humility, his confidence, his ability and, finally, the confidence of the Essendon Football Club, the tragic story of former Bomber Damian Cupido now shows that he has been losing $1,000 per week on gambling.

Unlike Cupido’s ability to handball or perform under pressure when faced with even the slightest bodily contact from an opponent, Cupido’s descent into financial oblivion due to gambling addiction is no laughing matter.

Since being delisted by the Bombers at the end of 2005, concluding a 53-game career that didn’t go anywhere close to fulfilling his massive potential and even greater ego, Cupido has been plying his trade in the SANFL.

As if being forced to move to Adelaide wasn’t punishment enough for Cupido’s inability to apply himself to training and fitness at AFL level, the poor guy now finds himself wasting $1,000 per week on punting on the horses.

The irony of Cupido losing such significant amounts is that he accrued this money while wasting $3,000-$4,000 of Essendon’s money each week during the 2004 and 2005 seasons following a decent year in 2003 after crossing over from Brisbane.

Cupido has returned home to Melbourne and begun counseling to help him fight his illness, with the goal of applying himself to these sessions to an extent far greater than his application at training while in the AFL.

He said leaving Adelaide was the only way he could “be healthy again”, which is a sentiment shared by anyone who’s had the misfortune of spending more than 48 consecutive hours in the City of Churches will attest to.

Not surprisingly, Cupido only began gambling after moving to Adelaide, given the city’s nightlife and cultural events are about as entertaining as the upcoming Hey Hey, It’s Saturday reunion shows promise to be.

"Two-and-a-half years ago, I didn't know how to put a bet on," Cupido said. "I didn't know what to back, didn't have a clue, didn't want to go into a TAB,” he said before Best Clubman was unable to think of a witty analogy or one-liner to end what is really a very sad story.

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THE CATCH UP…

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Best Clubman never really understood why Collingwood coach Michael Malthouse is so revered as one of the elite coaches of modern times. With a measly two premierships from 26 years of senior coaching Malthouse doesn’t have that much to boast about. And his legacy is even sketchier when you remember that his sides are about as fun to watch as those Ricky Ponting ads for Suisse vitamins.

After signing that controversial hand-over agreement with Nathan Buckley, whereby Buckley will assume the senior coaching role at the Magpies in 2012, at which point Malthouse will become the director of coaching, many people are speculating whether these best laid plans will come undone.

Malthouse isn’t exactly dousing the flames of the fire, telling radio station SEN yesterday that he can’t guarantee he will see out his three-year term as coaching director once Buckley assumes the top job if another club offers him a senior position.

While the chances of this are slim considering the hiring of coaches over the age of 40 by AFL clubs remains as popular as Channel 9’s The Catch Up, Malthouse’s words mustn’t inspire a high degree of confidence amongst the Collingwood faithful.

The details of Malthouse’s agreement with Collingwood are believed to be rather ambiguous, with neither party sure of exactly what will happen.

Staring Malthouse in the face is the fact that he voluntarily just put a two-year limit on his coaching career, which may be hard for him to digest, but probably less so for long-suffering Pies supporters seeking another premiership, not to mention football journalists with the temerity to ask “annoying” questions of Malthouse in post-game press conferences such as “Happy with the result?”, “Good win today, Mick?” and “Why the hell has Leigh Brown not been dropped at least once during the season?”

One man who was forced to suffer through a similar experience is former Hawthorn coach Peter Schwab, who had coaching legend David Parkin appointed to oversee his last years as Hawks coach. Although he never had the misfortune of being forced to pencil Leigh Brown’s name into the team sheet 30 minutes before the game.

Schwab said he was “dubious” such an agreement could work and it would be difficult for Malthouse to vacate his position if the Magpies achieve a degree of success in the next two years.

Malthouse himself speculated on his ability to leave Collingwood after winning a flag in 2011. "I am contracted to Collingwood for the next three years after that,” Malthouse deadpanned in his usual manner.

If he is somehow able to land the Pies a flag by 2011, considering their average list and turgid game plan that hugs the boundary at all costs, Malthouse may like to focus his attention on achieving other impossible feats such as discovering a cure for AIDS and fitting Eddie McGuire’s head through the neckhole of a non-button-up shirt.

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DRUNKEN DUMP IN A HOTEL CORRIDOR…

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Best Clubman’s attempts at breaking the big news stories before all of the major media outlets have been less successful than Elton John’s attempts at living as a heterosexual. So we won’t even pretend that we broke the story about Karmichael Hunt defecting from the NRL to accept a contract with the new AFL Gold Coast franchise.

But what we can lay claim to is that, if you look at this picture and then compare it to this picture, Karmichael Hunt may actually be Guy Sebastian sans the trademark afro.

However, this celebrity spot-up falls under the weight of close scrutiny when you remember that Sebastian is a devout Christian who waited until he was married to share his first sexual experience, whereas Hunt shared one of his many sexual experiences with a groupie in the first disabled toilet cubicle he and two of his Brisbane Broncos teammates could find in 2008.

What this all means for Hunt, the Gold Coast franchise and the AFL is anyone’s guess, but for NRL chief David Gallop, a man whose unbridled optimism and enthusiasm in the face of overwhelming scandal is to be admired, believes Hunt’s flight to the AFL “doesn’t mean the sky is falling in”.

A more prosaic view would suggest that Hunt’s skill set will be hard to replace for the NRL, with its pool of players with a rapid fire quickstep significantly reduced. Although its pool of people with a record of allegedly participating in unwanted group sex scandals remains at Cancun levels.

Unlike Nate Myles’ decision to take a drunken dump in the middle of a corridor at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Terrigal in full view of other guests, Gallop believes Hunt’s decision to switch codes is not a sign of underlying problems within the game of rugby league and doesn’t stain the brand in a manner similar to that of the carpet at the Crowne Plaza.

"This is an individual decision, the sky is not falling - only a week ago we had Timana Tahu coming back to rugby league," Gallop said without explaining what a Timana Tahu is.

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FINALS CAPITULATIONS FOR DUMMIES…

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

In the least logical decision since they decided to add Scott Cummings to an already top-heavy forward including Anthony Rocca, Jarrod Molloy and Chris Tarrant in 2002, Nathan Buckley has accepted an assistant coaching position at Collingwood with a guarantee to succeed current coach Mick Malthouse in 2012.

Having two men working together with notoriously large egos who like things done their way or not at all is a massive gamble and, for Collingwood’s sake, better produce greater output than Cummings managed with his total of 13 possessions in five games for the Pies, with his only long-lasting legacy being that current Magpie players now have an extra 200 cubic litres of space in the club spa that was added to accommodate Cummings’ ample girth.

As part of the deal, Malthouse has extended his senior coaching contract by two years, which will take him out to 12 seasons as coach of the Magpies without once tasting ultimate success. This unfruitful stint should leave him in prime position to assume leadership of the Victorian Liberal Party in 2012.

In actuality, upon Buckley assuming the head job in 2012, Malthouse will become the club’s director of coaching from 2012-14, which gives Best Clubman three more seasons to work out a pun that includes the words “Nathan Buckley”, “Eddie McGuire” and “head job” without sounding smutty or forced.

This succession plan is the first of its kind in AFL, although, just like shin guards, racism in the form of supporters throwing banana peels at black players on the other team, and feigning injury after seemingly innocuous incidents, it is quite common in soccer… sorry, the World Game™.

The Collingwood board signed off on the unique agreement last night despite the fact Buckley’s coaching experience does not extend beyond taking three training sessions with the under 18’s at the AIS and unsuccessfully teaching Simon Prestigiacomo how to kick a drop punt between 1996 and 2007.

According to Malthouse, the succession plan will serve the interests of all parties concerned. “One of the great things about this appointment is that it gives me another two years with these young players with what we’ve tried to achieve,” he said at a hastily arranged press conference while handing Buckley a well worn copy of “Finals Capitulations For Dummies”.

As for Buckley, he can’t wait to return to his former home, for no other reason than it means he will now spend less time in confined spaces with David Schwarz in the Channel 7 commentary box.

“I’ve come back to a club that I have enormous emotional ties to," Buckley said, echoing the same sentiment Alan Didak experiences whenever he drives down King Street.

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JUMPIN JAI TAURIMA…

Monday, July 27, 2009

In news that should have Hawthorn coach Alastair Clarkson running out to purchase more of whatever material it is that he uses to compose that massive chip on his shoulder, Essendon has lured Hawks CEO Ian Robson to the Bombers.

Unfortunately for Hawthorn, when it comes to off-field personnel movements, the AFL does not permit trades between clubs, meaning the only thing the ol’ Mayblooms will be getting in return is the Bombers’ title as the club with the two least worthiest All-Australians in recent history, with Campbell Brown (2007) and Trent Croad (2005) far exceeding Adam McPhee (2004) and Jason Johnson (2002) in terms of ineptitude.

The movement of Robson to Essendon continues a long and proud tradition of major exchanges between the two clubs, which includes Paul Salmon, Jonathon Robran, and Richie Vandenburg’s fists with McPhee’s head in the infamous “line in the sand” game of 2004.

Robson begins as CEO at the end of the season, replacing long-serving Essendon CEO Peter Jackson who is vacating his position due to a misunderstanding between the Bombers and Quit Victoria, which required all workplaces to remove their Peter Jacksons in order to comply with anti-smoking health and safety legislation. Zing.

Essendon president Ray Horsburgh, owner of a neck so large that Andrew Demetriou’s father had to jog his memory to see if he may have accidentally impregnated another woman and inadvertently given Demetriou an extra sibling 50 years ago, was positively brimming about the new appointment at the club.

“At Essendon we are following a similar football and business strategy to that of Hawthorn – including focusing on bringing through a young playing group together,” Horsburgh said via the club’s website only minutes before having his gastric band replaced.

While privately seething, Hawthorn had to perform their contractually obligated clichéd duties to wish their former employee well in his new position no matter how much they wish his career suffers the same rapid decline as that of Jumpin Jai Taurima’s after claiming Silver in the Long Jump at the Sydney Olympics in 2000.

“Ian has served the club well over the last five years , we thank him for his contribution to the team that delivered our 10th premiership last year, and we wish him well at Essendon,” Hawks president Jeff Kennett wailed in a statement more predictable than Andy Maher asking every non-AFL guest on his SEN radio program “So, have you seen the local game? What do you think of it?”

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HARRY & THE HENDERSONS…

Monday, July 27, 2009

During the course of the 2009 season, the Richmond Football Club have managed to kill the club’s spirit, their finals chances, the coaching career of Terry Wallace, and the will to live of their long-suffering supporters.

Now, if you believe AFL head cheese Andrew Demetriou, the Tigers have once and for all killed the tanking debate having defeated Essendon yesterday at the MCG.

The victory over the Bombers means Richmond have now recorded more than the 4.5 wins required for a club to forfeit its right to a priority pick at the end of the season, a selection which the Tigers recruiting department had set aside for either the re-drafting of Aaron Fiora, Richard Tambling’s younger brother, or a cardboard cutout of Danny Del Ray.

In addition to representing one of the worst displays of AFL football seen in two decades, Demetriou believes yesterday’s Richmond-Essendon match represents the final proof we need to boldly declare that tanking does not exist.

On evidence this flimsy, presumably Demetriou also believes that anecdotal reports on the existence of Bigfoot can be confirmed as true after he watched Harry & The Hendersons on DVD over the course of the weekend.

The win by the Tigers has Demetriou believing that all clubs, players and coaches genuinely set out to win every match of the season. This conveniently overlooks the fact that Richmond have played Jake King in three consecutive matches since their finals chances mathematically expired in Round 14 which, to the impartial eye, would seem to be conclusive proof that tanking is alive and well.

"There's no concern over it at our place, I think Richmond tanked terribly yesterday, they won," Demetriou said today in showcasing that he does sarcasm and comedy about as well as he does dieting.

Having dispensed with the comedy, Demetriou continued with some more taciturn statements. "I would be interested in the response with Richmond winning yesterday, what does that actually mean, does that dispel any myths? I suspect people who are more sensible will say yes,” he said in a statement that leaves Best Clubman unsure was to whether he was or wasn’t including Mike Sheahan as one of the people who’d agree with him.

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PHIL COLLINS’ BACKING BAND…

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

When we heard that Fremantle players Des Headland and Michael Walters had been caught up in a police investigation following an incident at a Perth hotel on Sunday morning, the first thing Best Clubman could think of was why would police be investigating Brisbane’s theft of the third pick in the 2002 draft from the Dockers in exchange for the hapless Headland? The second thing we thought of was who the hell is Michael Walters?

Perth police are investigating the role of Headland and Walters in a brawl during the wee hours of Sunday morning, sending a message to the general Perth public that common assault is not acceptable unless it’s committed by Dale Kickett on Phil Reid in a Derby game in 2000.

Following a brawl alleged to have involved 10-20 people at a taxi rank, a police spokesperson suggested that neither of the players have yet been charged as a result of the incident, which suggests no crime may have actually been committed beyond the fact that Headland has one AFL premiership to his name while players the ilk of Gary Lyon, Robert Harvey, Nathan Buckley, Matthew Richardson and David Neitz have none.

Attention now turns to what, if any, punishment Dockers management will levy on their wayward players given their hardline stance from earlier in the year when Brett Peake and Dean Solomon were both internally rubbed out for one match following relatively minor incidents.

Currently, Headland is recovering from a hamstring injury, while first-year player Walters has been plying his trade in the WAFL like most Docker recruits do before flopping on the big stage. Hence, any suspension dished out by the club could be as meaningless as Headland’s career since leaving Brisbane.

Long-suffering Fremantle skipper Matthew Pavlich, a man forced to endure teammates of such pitiful talent that only someone hired to work in Phil Collins’ backing band would understand, managed to turn his attention away from the real estate section of the Adelaide Advertiser long enough to comment on the penalty the club may impose on Headland and Walters.

"We handle all these situations by a case-by-case scenario," Pavlich said in a comment that gave us as about as much information as a Herald-Sun article on geo-politics, the Iraq war or climate change.

Not perturbed by Pavlich’s initial blandness, the media hung around for another comment. "The players have to make the correct decisions and not sort of be robots, but ensure they make the correct decisions of times and places and things like that," he said in what may have been a description of Headland’s on-field problems as well as what he gets up to of a weekend.

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COOL RUNNINGS…

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Wednesday night’s all-in brawl at the end of the third NRL State of Origin match reminded us of the good old days – a time when professional footballers expressed their visceral, physical emotion as a group on the field rather than in a hotel room on an end of season trip while giving a drunk groupie more than she bargained for when she agreed to go home with Andrew Johns after six Breezers and a puff on a communal joint.

Like Best Clubman, AFL management loves nothing more than taking a poke at the NRL’s expense and an incident like this gives Andrew Demetriou, the league’s chief executive and the fattest man to occupy a position of responsibility since John Candy took the Jamaican bobsled team to the Winter Olympics in Cool Runnings, a chance to get all “that wouldn’t happen in our game” on us.

What most people, including Demetriou, are staggered by is the fact that not one was suspended over the brawl, unlike in AFL where league management has deemed it necessary to rub players out for brutish acts like incidental contact with an umpire, shirtfronting an opponent and listening to the music of Flo Rida.

Adopting his typical pompous stance when criticising the NRL in front of the collected media, Demetriou said a brawl like the one that erupted in State of Origin III would no longer happen in the AFL, probably because the limp hang-onto-the-ball-without-forfeiting-possession-at-all-costs game plan being exhibited by every club not named Geelong or Essendon means opposition players no longer come within 15 metres of each other during the game.

“Yes … of course it (surprised me), but I can’t speak for that code. I’m not sure why someone sees some benefit in that ... the thought of seeing someone laying prostrate on the ground, unconscious, it really terrifying,” Demetriou said.

Part of the juxtaposition between the two codes stems from cultural differences. For instance, in Sydney, Tim Bailey from Channel 10 still retains a social profile in nightclubs all along the north shore, whereas the more sophisticated Melbourne only bestows such high social status on Eric Bana, Rachel Griffiths and the talentless offspring of Bert and Pattie Newton.

Similarly, in Sydney, violence between men with excessive testosterone levels occurs on the field, instead of in its rightful place on the streets of Melbourne’s CBD at 4am or on a junior sporting oval in Sunshine when a drunken father attacks a pubescent umpire officiating at his kid’s under-8’s match because of his dubious interpretation of the kicking in danger rule.

Whatever your preference of footballing code, anyone who says they dislike seeing a bit of biff between players plying their skills at the highest level is a liar. But just like the company of a wife, girlfriend or significant other, the presence of a rumble on the field is tolerable when consumed in small doses.

Unfortunately for AFL, the over policing of all forms of on-field physical conduct has seen the occasional scrap go the way of the contested mark, quick movement of the ball into the forward line and Troy Simmonds’ career and become extinct.

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WORKING HARD FROM BEHIND…

Thursday, July 16, 2009

In news that should have current North Melbourne captain Brent Harvey seeking quotes from local blacksmiths for the production of a chastity belt for his wife, former premiership captain Wayne Carey is inching his way back to returning to the club, unlike in 2002 when he was forced to depart the club after being caught inching his way into Anthony Stevens’ wife.

No one at North is exactly certain what role Carey would undertake should he return, but the Duck’s track record suggests some kind of pastoral role may not be appropriate.

Carey’s initial comments suggest that he may like to become an assistant coach at the club next year, particularly if current caretaker, and former premiership teammate, Darren Crocker gets the job on a permanent basis.

"I am good mates with Darren Crocker and Rocky (assistant coach Anthony Rock) and get along well with (football manager) Donald McDonald and all the guys that are involved there," Carey told Adelaide radio station 5AA.

Having a full-time job as an assistant to take up next year would be a terrific step in Carey rehabilitating his life, giving him six months to get even further back on track to a position of credibility, while giving Best Clubman six months to find another line of comedy after squeezing the life out of Carey’s 2002 run in with Kelli Stevens to within an inch of its life.

In the meantime, Carey has offered to “share his secrets” with North’s current crop of youngsters. "I'm more than willing to have a chat to some of the key forwards down at the club and that may happen later on in the year."

The Duck will no doubt be imparting wisdom such as play the corridor, work hard from behind and hunt in numbers. Word has it that Carey may also be dishing out advice for use beyond the bedroom.

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THE NEXT PETER RHODE…

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

In his time as a Richmond playing legend, Wayne Campbell managed the remarkable feat of captaining a side featuring Steven Sziller to a preliminary final.

Sadly, this achievement wasn’t able to give Campbell the confidence to believe he could be the next coach of his beloved Tigers, with news coming to hand that he has withdrawn his application from the race for the top job in 2010.

The collective relief felt by long-suffering Richmond fans at news of Campbell pulling out of the selection process must be something similar to that experienced by viewers of Dancing With The Stars upon hearing that judge Todd McKenney had agreed to remove that ridiculous goatee that looks like it was painted on with a moist dog turd by some prankster while he was passed out in a public park after a big night out on the “G”.

"I just think I'm not quite ready," Campbell said in revealing that, in his opinion, 297 games, four best and fairest medals and two All-Australian awards didn’t outweigh the fact that during the mid-90s he wore an on-field ponytail even worse than the one sported by Robert De Niro in Cape Fear.

"I reckon I'm about 80 per cent, and that's nowhere near enough”, Campbell whined about what we think was his desire to coach but may in fact have been his all-time losing percentage as a player in some of the worst AFL teams seen since University decided not to field a team from 1915 onwards.

While the prospect of putting magnets containing the names “McMahon”, “Pettifer”, “Oakley-Nicholls”, “King”, “Schulz” and “Hughes” in the one lineup would stiffen the front of the trousers of most aspiring coaches, it seems Campbell believes he needs to extend his apprenticeship as an assistant coach until either he’s fully ready or Nathan Brown retires to ensure he isn’t forced to coach the league’s biggest underachiever, whichever comes first.

And with all that, Fremantle’s Mark Harvey now loses his one chance of becoming the second-worst coach in the league and must continue his role as coach most likely to become the next Peter Rhode.

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DOUBLE TAKE…

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

When the run of play is going against them, Port Adelaide players seem to work about as hard for their money as Chris Judd does at Visy.

Never was this more evident than during the club’s terrible loss on the weekend to bottom-placed Melbourne in what was the worst performance by a favourite since John Hewson led the federal Liberal Party to a momentous defeat at the “un-losable” 1993 election.

Power coach Mark Williams has labeled the team’s performance as “embarrassing” but has reiterated his desire to remain as coach of the club next season and his hope of signing a two-year contract extension this week.

A senior coach going in to ask management for a contract renewal after Sunday’s performance is the worst case of bad timing Best Clubman can recall, with the possible exception of Nathan Brown leaving the Bulldogs at the end of 2003 in order to go to Richmond for some finals action.

With Brown not having played in a final since 2000, it can only be hoped Williams’ future is a little rosier. The man himself believes the weekend’s loss will not affect his negotiations and said there were only a "few things that need to be sorted through" before he re-signed with the club.

Without directly naming these “few things”, it is believed Williams was referring to Peter Burgoyne and Danyle Pearce and their ability to look about as excited to be there when the chips are down as Best Clubman is at the impending arrival on Channel 7 of yet another fine sketch comedy series in Double Take, which will no doubt join a long list of abysmal Australian skit comedy shows that includes Skithouse, Big Bite, Comedy Inc., Comedy Inc. – The Late Shift, and anything featuring Shane Crawford on The Footy Show.

The delay in Williams signing his new deal has “got nothing to do with finances,” which is just as well as the Power don’t appear to have any and are asking Williams to take a massive pay cut.

According to Williams, the contract hold up is because “there's just a couple of little things to work through and the problem is that you only get limited time in a week to get a little space to reflect on that”, which is true as the spare time one has during the week is precious and just decreased by one hour with the imminent screening of the take-the-phone-off-the-hook comedy of Burp TV on Channel 7, which actually manages to look like it will be worse than Double Shift if early adverts are anything to go by.

"It's a pretty major decision both for the club and me moving forward so you want to spend some time on it. And my manager Ricky (Nixon) is over here (in Melbourne), which makes it more difficult," Williams said which suggests the mediums of phone, internet, email, instant messaging, courier and carrier pigeon may not have reached Adelaide yet.

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THE LOVECHILD OF GEORGE COSTANZA AND SOLOMON LEW…

Monday, July 13, 2009

How charmed is the life of Tom Harley? Not only has he been able to achieve the rare distinction of captaining a premiership side despite being about as talented as Austin McCrab, he’s also been able to achieve the even rarer distinction of actually becoming better looking after going bald. A curse on him we say.

When this article alerted us to the fact that, pending any unforeseen setbacks between now and the end of the year, Harley is all set to achieve another great milestone, Best Clubman initially assumed this meant Harley was going to play on someone other than the opposition’s fifth-best forward and avoid the embarrassing spectacle from the weekend of watching Harry Taylor and Tom Lonergan being forced to play on studs like Jonathan Brown and Daniel Bradshaw.

But no, the achievement in question is that, should the Cats make it all the way to this year’s grand final, Harley is all set to play game number 200 on the last Saturday in September.

A month ago this seemed like a gimme. Unfortunately for Harley, the Cats making it through to the grand final is now not a certainty after they made like Germany in world wars and just lost two in a row.

This achievement is also predicated on the event that Harley goes through the remaining 10 games of the season (seven home-and-away matches and three finals) uninjured, which is a distinct possibility considering the last time he maintained physical pressure on a direct opponent of any quality was when he last had a full head of hair.

The mad rush for Harley to reach his 200th match has come to a head with speculation suggesting the Cats skipper is set to retire at season’s end and move to Sydney to be with his fiancé rather than face the weekly winter grind of playing on opponents the caliber of Mitch Thorp and Chris Dawes.

Harley’s former teammate Peter Riccardi reckons the chance for a fairytale ending might be enough for Harley to give it away at the end of the season, although this might run a close third in terms of reasons for him to quit after ability and form.

"Reading between the lines, it sounds as if this will be his last year. He is getting married at the end of the year and he will probably make a decision on it then," Riccardi said. “It all depends on how his body feels. I got talked into playing another year to try to play 300 (games), but I knew myself my body wasn't right and I only played six games (in 2006).”

While the former Geelong wingman with the raking left foot makes a good point about Harley not wanting to playing on when physically incapable, this overlooks the fact that RIccardi played the last 12 years of his career with a degenerative neck condition arising from years of lugging around that incredibly heavy mullet which weighed around two Brad Dick’s when it got wet.

This is obviously something Harley has not had to contend with given his bald pate makes him look like the lovechild of George Costanza and Solomon Lew.

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THE AFL’S FAVOURITE WEIRDO…

Friday, July 10, 2009

Best Clubman hates prejudice and discrimination. The only thing we hate more is the blacks, the gays and the Jews.

Being serious for a second, the inherent ageism that has come with news that Kevin Sheedy, a man in his 60s, wants to coach Richmond next season has made us sick.

The only people at present who must know how Sheedy feels are those poor Indian students being assaulted on the streets of Melbourne, being bashed and discriminated against all because of the colour of their skin and the ridiculous notion that their passive nature makes them easy targets.

Oh how these Indian students must see Australia as a country full of prejudice and discrimination. All they ask for is a chance to come here and further their education so they can return home as better people to India, a country where people are only discriminated against based on their cast.

For whatever reason, the Tigers were not keen on Sheedy as their future coach from the get-go, a stance Sheedy evidently failed to recognise despite the rather obvious signal the club gave him by putting him on the sub-committee to choose the next coach.

What happened next is just plain sad, with Sheedy coming out in the media to proclaim his desire for the top job at Richmond and, in the process, sounding more desperate to stay in the spotlight than Hot Dogs from Big Brother.

The only person apparently oblivious to the fact that Richmond want a young coach is Sheedy, although he did cite support from three influential Richmond powerbrokers in former champion player Kevin Bartlett, former champion coach Tom Hafey, and former dud coach Kevin Bartlett, who just happens to be the former champion player, meaning Sheedy really only has two people stupid enough to visualise him waving a Tigers jacket over his head to whoop the crowd into a frenzy after a stirring come from behind win over Melbourne in Round 22, 2010 to wrap up another 15th-placed finish.

Sheedy’s enthusiasm has placed Richmond president Gary March in a difficult position. He knows he doesn’t want Sheedy. We know he doesn’t want Sheedy. Christ, even Sheedy knows he doesn’t want Sheedy.

So March has been forced to pretend that he’s “delighted” to have received Sheedy’s application, even denying claims that the current Tigers’ board would never appoint the AFL’s favourite weirdo in any situation other than a nuclear holocaust that resulted in the deaths of all candidates below the age of 77.

“The board doesn’t have any negativity towards anyone because we don’t get involved other than give (the sub-committee) the criteria that they’ve got to follow and the type of person we want to get,” March said in patronising both Sheedy and the general public before revealing the club’s coaching shortlist included the corpses of Ron Barassi Senior, Phonse Kyne, Jock McHale, John Coleman, Norm Smith, Napoleon and Ned Kelly, the last of whom is actually better by foot than Jake King.

March also denied allegations of ageism against older coaches by refuting claims that the job description sent to all prospective candidates included the ability to reverse park a car and maintain an erection without medical assistance... at the same time.

The Tiger president also said he had not “put a line” through any potential contenders and, even if he wanted to exclude Sheedy based on the simple fact he kept Mark Bolton on Essendon’s list for 10 seasons, he does not have the power to do this.

“Richmond Football Club is not Zimbabwe ... we don’t have a dictatorship. I don’t always get my way all the time … I don’t have that level of influence over other board members,” he said.

Comparing Richmond to Zimbabwe is a bit rich. After all, Zimbabwe have made the last seven one-day World Cups since 1983, which is much greater than anything the Tigers have achieved over the same period.

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SEMAPHORE AND AN ETCH-A-SKETCH…

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The news that Barry Hall has retired isn’t amazing. What is amazing is that a man with the mental stability of Cornelia Rau somehow managed to control his temper long enough to play 250 very good games, become an All-Australian and captain a premiership side without being required to wear a muzzle and a straightjacket.

While Hall’s pummeling of a supine Ben Rutten against the Crows last weekend and subsequent three-game suspension was obviously the catalyst for his parting of ways with Sydney, Hall did not announce his retirement from football, meaning the chance he’ll play on for someone else next year will become one of football’s enduring mysteries along with how the hell Adelaide’s Scott Stevens is still in the league after eight seasons.

However, Hall did suggest that playing for anyone other than Sydney may be difficult. "I have been part of this club for eight years, it would be tough to run out against them," Hall said.

Presumably this reluctance would dissipate when it’s pointed out to Hall that Sydney would most likely play the stupendously soft Lewis Roberts-Thomson on him, no doubt resulting in a day out for the big thug.

At 32 years of age, Hall had to admit that he could no longer control his on-field aggression and engage in the kind of antics that would get him suspended and leave the Swans in the lurch, a situation not becoming of the club’s 2005 premiership captain – a game Hall shouldn’t have even played in given the pounding he gave to the rubs of St. Kilda’s Matt McGuire in the preliminary final the week before would have caused the AFL to suspend any player from a club that wasn’t in a “core growth” market.

"If I play on I can't promise there won't be another indiscretion ... there's a real risk for me and the football club if I do go on that things could turn ugly," he said.

With most people assuming Hall would immediately pursue a career in professional boxing, Hall suggested his next step was “unclear” and he needed a break before deciding. "Football for now is not a priority, (nor) is talking about boxing".

This means that, in the short-term at least, boxing can be put on the backburner as a possible career for Hall along with modeling when one considers Hall’s mug is about as easy on the eye as a Port Adelaide away jumper.

Sydney coach Paul Roos paid tribute to Hall’s contribution to the Swans. “It is definitely a sad day for the Sydney Swans Football Club - one of our greatest ever players has decided to retire - but I also think it must be a time of celebration, to reflect on what has been an outstanding career,” Roos said.

Meanwhile, Eagle utility Brent Staker did not comment on the retirement of the man who so viciously assaulted him in Round 4 last year.

It should be added that this was not because Staker had nothing to say about Hall, it’s just that since the incident Staker’s sole means of communication is via semaphore and an Etch-A-Sketch, which doesn’t translate well down the phone.

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BROWN SNAKE…

Monday, July 6, 2009

The NRL is fast becoming like that Chris Rock joke about all comedians being obligated to forward 10 percent of their income to Michael Jackson as a thank you for all the jokes made at his expense. Jokes, which in the overblown hype surrounding the great one’s death, we probably won’t get to hear again for awhile… or at least until news breaks that sister Latoya Jackson is indeed a man.

Any aspiring wit worth their salt who can’t crack a funny gag about the misbehavior of NRL players in the current climate is either clinically dead or Ryan Shelton.

So what to make of the latest indiscretion by Sydney Rooster and Queensland Origin player Nate Myles and his $50,000 fine and six-match suspension for defecating on the floor of a Central Coast hotel while in a state of drunkenness not seen since Boris Yeltsin hosted a cocktail evening for Lindsay Lohan, Andrew Symonds and mid-90s NBA sensation Vin Baker.

This disgusting behaviour is a clear breach of NRL policy which requires all players staying in hotels to defecate on drunken teenage groupies while a pack of teammates cheer them on.

Myles was found naked and disoriented in a hotel corridor at 8am on Sunday morning after unsuccessfully attempting to gain entry into the room of a family who was staying in the hotel.

After the family refused his entry into their room, Myles was found to have snapped off a brown snake in the hotel corridor while the mother bemoaned the fact her horrified children had just had four hard years of potty training gone to waste after witnessing Myles’ carefree example of when it is and isn’t acceptable to use one’s bowels.

NRL chief David Gallop furiously denounced Myles behavior, imposing an immediate suspension before racing off to the head office of Sorbent to try and work this into some sort of sponsorship deal between the parties so that at least some good could come from this distasteful matter.

"There can be no ambiguity about the behaviour and there can be no excuse," Gallop said in adopting the same approach to unwanted defecation that ex-Mrs. Best Clubman adopted when four shots of absinthe sent Best Clubman to the canvas on our 30th birthday and caused us to accidentally leave a nugget in the relational bed during the night.

“The facts around the incident are clear and players have to accept personal responsibility. I respect the fact that Nate tried to make amends to the guests involved and that he rang me to apologise but saying sorry simply isn't enough”.

And, if this post from Best Clubman didn’t make you laugh, which is entirely likely, then surely the mental image of a repentant Nate Myles knocking on the door of the family later in the day to apologise for accidentally backing one out in the corridor in front of their room will.

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ALL TOGETHER NOW…

Friday, July 3, 2009

Despite being as relevant in today’s world as Bush, both the turgid mid-90s British band and the two former US presidents, Kevin Sheedy says he wants to coach Richmond next year.

Sheedy has the support of former club greats Tom Hafey, Kevin Bartlett and Francis Bourke whose experience of modern AFL tactics and strategies consists, respectively, of replacing the “kick it bloody long to Rene Kink” game plan with “kick it long to Jake King”, hosting a morning radio show on SEN, and appearing in a Toyota AFL legendary moments advertisement.

Nostalgia is a powerful phenomenon. For instance, Best Clubman still pines for the year 1994 when our erection didn’t require a three-hour notice period and performed at least mildly respectably when called into action.

But that doesn’t mean 1994 was a good year. Closer scrutiny reminds us that we were just as unhappy and disillusioned with life, the AFL, the weather, women, our erection, Israeli-Palestinian politics, global warming, the ALP and Daryl Somers’ debatable position as Australia’s greatest ever entertainer.

No, it should be no great surprise that Sheedy was going to nominate for the job given his glittering playing career at the Tigers and almost unequaled success as coach at Essendon for 27 years – a period in which Richmond made the finals four times – nor that former club legends would relish the chance to have Sheedy return to the least successful enterprise since New Coke.

In fact, the only thing less surprising was our discovery that the bloke at the end of the panel next to Gary Lyon, Craig Hutchison and Grant Thomas was actually Caroline Wilson and not former All Together Now star Jon English. (Seriously, go to the 1:11 mark of this video and hit pause and you tell us if you can spot the difference)

"I don't like seeing Richmond down on the bottom for 25 years," Sheedy said in describing Richmond’s modern history of two finals appearances in 27 seasons which, depending on how you look at it, is either tragic or the longest period a club has tanked to obtain future draft picks.

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TWO IMPOVERISHED CHARITIES…

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Two questions to ponder. 1) Does anyone, anywhere have a bad word to say about former Melbourne great and current president Jim Stynes? 2) Can cancer be funny?

The answer to the first questions seems to be an emphatic “NO” given that, other than for a 15-minute window after the 1987 preliminary final when Stynes ran through the mark after the siren and gifted Hawthorn a goal which cost the Demons a place in that year’s grand final, everyone loves the big Irishman.

And why wouldn’t they? In addition to be a ripping bloke with a dry wit and friendly demeanor, Stynes uses his spare time to help two of Australia’s most impoverished charities – the Reach Foundation helping teenagers at risk and the Melbourne Football Club helping footballers without the requisite skill to make it at the top level.

On the second issue, if the public reaction to The Chaser’s skits about the Make-A-Wish foundation is anything to go by, the answer is again an emphatic “NO”… but that hasn’t stopped Best Clubman from scraping the bottom of the barrel for some off-beat gags of the cheap and nasty variety which demean both the reader, the nation and ourselves.

Tragically, Stynes is facing a battle for his life after discovering a lump on his back which turned out to be cancerous and has spread to other parts of his body. Not even Best Clubman thinks this is funny.

Today’s press conference was amazing stuff, with Stynes courageously fronting the media and outlining the details of his affliction with terrific dignity, not to mention his wife who improved her already high standing amongst the general public after her flogging of Sam Newman in the media a few weeks back.

The respect for the president within the club was evident with the entire playing group in attendance at the press conference including Colin Sylvia, who managed to wrangle himself out of the Centrefold Lounge in time to make it to the Junction Oval by 11 o’clock after showering via the medium of a can of Lynx and chewing on some Eclipse mints to hide the evidence of his moral crimes.

The Melbourne playing list has vowed to use Stynes as an inspiration for the rest of their insipid season despite the club’s performances suggesting the team has a potentially life-threatening illness itself, which may or may not be funny depending on whether you are a decent human being, which Best Clubman most definitely is not.

“Every one of us has to step up now and take a bit of Jimmy with us,” captain James McDonald said with what we assume was a metaphorical tribute and not a literal statement whereby each player will carry a lock of Stynes’ hair or discarded fingernail in their shorts for the remainder of the season.

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THE OLD SOGGY POLLY WAFFLE…

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Life is full of stories of two parties with a severe disliking of each other. Modern examples include North Korea and South Korea, the English-speaking world and the French, Sam Newman and women, the viewing public and the smarmy/massively overrated Shaun Micallef, Brendan Fevola and toilets, Brendan Fevola and women, Brendan Fevola and the Irish, Brendan Fevola and the French, and Jared Rivers and manning up on a direct opponent.

Add to this list Geelong and St. Kilda, who meet this weekend in what will be the first time in AFL history that two teams are undefeated after 13 rounds.

The hype surrounding this match was going to be inevitable, despite the fact most impartial football observers are cognisant that St. Kilda have no chance of winning this year’s flag when players like Andrew McQualter, Jason Blake, James Gwilt and Clint Jones command a regular birth in the senior side.

Geelong coach Mark Thompson and captain Tom Harley both admitted yesterday that the two teams don’t like each other, which has lead to many pundits looking for possible reasons for the distaste between the clubs.

While most people hate the Cats because Cameron Ling has red hair and is the perpetrator of the most hideous kind of anti-football with his constant scragging and clawing away at the opponent’s best midfielder, this doesn’t explain why the Saints have taken particular exception to our country cousins.

Likewise, any reasonable person can’t stand St. Kilda given their football is about as entertaining to watch as an unflushed turd that refuses to make its way down the s-bend despite you pouring in four tubs of Draino and giving the old soggy Polly Waffle a shove with a firmly gloved fist, but why is it that Geelong hates them so?

Apparently the source of the feud between the teams stems back to 2003 when both clubs were up-and-coming units comprised of young talent. Each team took exception to the other’s claims of having the best “kids” in the league, which is the pettiest dispute between two groups since Nickelback and Matchbox 20 debated who had the shittier back catalogue of material.

Eventually this argument settled itself by virtue of the Cats winning the 2007 premiership in amongst their current stretch of 53 wins from their last 56 games, which seems to suggest that Geelong’s “kids” were superior, combined with the fact that two of St. Kilda’s “kids” have the surname Clarke.

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NEXT TIME WE WON’T GO BAREBACK…

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dogs are fit, lightning fast off the mark, illiterate and enjoy urinating in public - all traits shared with Brendan Fevola. However, unlike a dog, Brendan Fevola just won’t do what he is told.

The Blues were embarrassed by Essendon on Friday night on a scale incomprehensible to anyone who didn’t take the field for Port Adelaide in the 2007 grand final.

Out run, out fought and, most surprisingly, out muscled by a Bombers team supposed to be several years away from a return to mediocrity.

With every talk-back caller with a biting wit putting their own spin on the “They Know We’re Coming” proclamation in the days since Friday’s mauling, every man and his dog (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) seems intent on laying the slippers into the Blues and, particularly, Fevola.

Just for the record, Best Clubman’s variation of Carlton’s marketing theme is “We Already Came Luv, Next Time We Won‘t Go Bareback.” Unbelievably, that was the best moniker the Best Clubman office could come up with despite five hours of workshopping the thing.

With his direct opponent Tate Pears repeatedly running off Fevola to set up several goals during the match, the media spotlight has again been firmly pointed in the burly full-forward’s direction.

This understandable given that, on at least three occasions, Fevola failed to even chase Pears before responding to requests from his colleagues to do so with a shrug of the shoulders.

Overall, Fevola looked about as interested in chasing his opponent and doing the little things as he would be if he tuned into Sunday Arts with Michael Veitch on the ABC.

This is in marked contrast to Round 22 last season when Fevola chased, tackled and harassed everything in sight in order to try and get to the 100-goal mark, which displays his basic me-first psychology and determination to anything that benefits himself.

Best Clubman’s immediate recollections of Fevola’s career can’t recall one unselfish deed, unless you count marrying wife Alex and taking her away from a life of caravans, Bacardi Breezers, KFC and working at a Supre somewhere in Melbourne’s outer south-east.

Another insipidly selfish display has many people calling for Fev’s head and for coach Brett Ratten to demote him to the reserves until Fevola learns to display a defensive presence that wouldn‘t get beaten up by a Jonas Brother.

Fev is what he is, so that is unlikely to happen. But Ratten may cop a temporary reprieve with the big man undergoing finger surgery last night, placing him in doubt for this week’s crunch match against Fremantle, which represents the first instance where the terms “Fremantle” and “crunch match” have been used in the same sentence.

The club failed to offer any explanation as to how Fevola injured his appendage, but replays from Friday night suggest it may have been while he was pointing at a distant Tate Pears and telling someone else to pick him up.

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DRUGS POLICY, PART DEUX…

Sunday, June 28, 2009

It’s inevitable that young AFL players, with their firm bodies, buckets full of disposable income, and doting fans will inevitably come face-to-face with offers of illicit drugs.

In stark contrast, Best Clubman’s life is a little more prosaic. By virtue of us physically resembling John Goodman and engaging in intercourse approximately every time Iran holds democratic elections without government interference, the closest we come to the good life is buying two packets of Panadol Rapid and chowing them all down at once with a 350ml Red Bull.

This makes us feel suitably giddy for the next 15 minutes while we tell anyone within earshot how we could have been anything before injury and ability caught up with us at the ripe old age of 11.

The AFL’s stance on illicit drug use has been well debated in recent times. The league favours a three-strike policy and education for repeat offenders while protecting their anonymity.

This differs to the policies of most other professional leagues in the country who name offenders after a first or second offence.

With the federal government doling out $20m for drug education to professional sporting organisations this year, the league has opted to forgo their share of the loot by sticking with their three-strikes policy.

The government will only dispense funds to organisations adopting a two-strikes policy, which seems somewhat hypocritical given Kevin Rudd’s stance towards former Defence Minister Joel Fitzgibbon, who appeared to be on a nine-strike-or-denial-of-the-holocaust-whichever-comes-first policy.

Sporting bodies who adopt the government’s two-strikes policy are eligible for funding towards drug testing, counselling and rehabilitation. In lieu of the government money for drug education of its players, the league has instead elected to force all players to watch Charlie Sheen’s performance in Hot Shots! Part Deux to fully demonstrate the consequences of illicit drug use on young stars with potential.

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A THICK LAYER OF MAKE-UP AND THE ASSISTANCE OF AN AUTOCUE…

Friday, June 26, 2009

For a very short man whose natural body shape resembles that of Danny De Vito, former Collingwood muck merchant Brodie Holland sure has made a good fist of what passes for his life.

Thanks to the support of countless trainers and dieticians, Holland was able to turn his once podgy chassis into a ripped rig the likes of which we haven’t seen since Right Said Fred told us he was a little too good looking for his love, shirt, car, hat and cat, the cities of Milan, New York and Japan, as well as your party and, lastly, this song.

From this foundation, Holland was able to overcome his gnome-like height, rough head, infantile intelligence and a nasty incident where he plead guilty to pulling a woman from entering a cab before punching her in the head, to become a part-time model, casual footballer and poorer half of the sublime Sarita Stella, who’s also a little challenged when it comes to class and intelligence despite what a thick layer of make-up and the assistance of an autocue has done for her career.

Not a bad innings that for someone with so little ability and redeeming characteristics as a human being.

Since retiring at the end of 2007, Holland has turned out for suburban side Maribyrnong Park. Unfortunately, given his profile and pretty-boy-with-a-rough-head image, Holland believes he has become the target for opposition mugs wanting to make a name for themselves by giving him the sort of treatment best dished out to a woman who tries to grab a taxi ahead of you.

Playing-coach Holland has now decided to have himself filmed for the entirety of his matches at Maribyrnong in the event he is assaulted on the field and retaliates like he’s just discovered a lady nicked his cab and there’s a 15-minute wait for the next one.

Holland has decided to take this action after having his playing registration suspended by the Essendon District Football League. This was overturned on appeal last night.

The reason behind Holland’s initial de-registration was him having breached a little-known rule that any player with more than 16 weeks of suspension incurred throughout their careers in any competition automatically forfeits their right to a playing license.

With most of the football public being unaware of this strange rule until now, the Adelaide Crows are seeking legal counsel on the possibility of having Barry Hall de-registered for this weekend’s clash with the Swans.

Maribyrnong president Glenn Allison said Holland would be filmed for the entirety of the time he is on the field, which should result in a film that shows very little of the play based on Holland’s ability to find the ball during his career.

Allison said the reason behind the drastic action was for Holland’s “protection”, which should come as a fanciful notion to the Bulldogs’ Brett Montgomery, who was almost decapitated by a Holland cheap-shot shirt front while his head was over the footy, a bump that saw Holland rubbed out for six weeks.

A condition of Holland’s re-registration was that his right to play football in Victoria would be revoked should he be suspended again, which Allison feels gives Holland’s opponents carte blanch to antagonise him without fear of retribution.

“If he goes out there and does something to someone else, he’s got to face the consequences,” Allison said. “But what happens if someone comes up and spits at him, or calls his mother unsavoury things? Or if someone’s whacking him all the time, what do we do?”

Considering Holland played for Collingwood, he should be used to personal abuse and, if he isn’t, he can always adopt the approach most people who don’t feel the urge to bash a woman use in retaliation - get on with the game and get the pill.

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PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY…

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

In terms of the all-time list of credible and trustworthy people, former Carlton president, businessman and federal Liberal Party president John Elliott ranks fourth last, only managing to beat the Boy Who Cried Wolf, people who claim they were abducted by UFOs and Craig Hutchison.

So who knows what to make of Elliott’s claims that the Blues under his tenure paid “hush money” to four or five women who made claims of sexual assault against Carlton players.

What we do know is that Elliott’s extemporaneous exhortations have cast a shadow over anyone who played at Carlton between the mid-70s and 2002, damaging reputations that, Wayne Johnstone aside, suggested citizens of fine moral standing.

Catharine Lumby, a prominent activist against sexual violence, says she is “appalled” at Elliott’s claims and believes Australian football clubs have a history of paying victims of sexual assault “hush money” to keep quiet in a he-said/she-said situation where a jury may elect to go with what she-said.

This differs to rugby league where the he-said/he-said/he-said/he-said/he-said/he-said/he-said/he-said/he-said/she-said dynamics of sexual assaults means the defence can proffer nine counter arguments to the woman’s claims of bedroom malfeasance to ensure sufficient plausible deniability for an acquittal.

The scandal erupted on Sunday when Elliott was quoted in the Herald-Sun as stating that Carlton paid off four or five woman around $5,000 each to keep quiet about allegations of sexual assault made against players at the club.

Scurrilous rumours doing the rounds suggest mid-80s tagging sensation Tommy Alvin is also considering pressing charges against a group of players who mistook him and his flowing black ponytail from behind for a woman in a dimly lit sauna in 1988 and copped what can only be described as a cheap feel against Alvin’s wishes.

Elliott comes from the traditional, conservative, male-dominated, Liberal-voting, old boys club that permeates high society so his additional claims that he believes most of the women who approached the club with sexual assault claims engaged in consensual sex with players and then made the sexual assault allegations up needs to be tempered with the traditional notion that sometimes “NO” means “YES” and that woman in short skirts are gagging for it and the odd rape here and there comes with the territory.

"These women need our full support and I find John Elliott's comments worrying and offensive," Ms Lumby said. "Rape is the only crime where people question or doubt the victim and I am very concerned that he is casting any doubt on these allegations."

Ms Lumby has significant experience in this issue, having been a consultant for several years to the NRL on issues of the game’s relationship with women. In fact, Lumby was integral in installing the “X days since our last pack rape allegation” sign out the front of NRL head office.

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THE BODY SHAPE OF JUDY MORAN…

Monday, June 22, 2009

If you were going to make a protest about MCG parking to get the most attention and cause the most disruption by staging a picnic to block out traffic, there’s several key dates in the calendar that seem appropriate in order to draw attention to your cause.

Round 1, Anzac Day, Queens Birthday and Grand Final Day spring to mind. The Western Bulldogs versus North Melbourne on a cold, wintry afternoon in Round 13 does not.

The Yarra Park Association, a group comprised of residents living in the immediate surrounds of the MCG who obviously don’t follow “the football” and understand which teams are popular, have decided to make this week’s blockbuster between the Dogs and the Roos the focus of their protest about MCG match-day parking making life difficult for nearby residents to spend their weekends walking for reconciliation, listening to Radio National while consuming brie and crackers at an impromptu picnic to celebrate Earth Hour, and ducking out mid-afternoon on a weekend for a soy latté while reading the latest published edition of Leunig cartoons.

Association spokesman Nik Dow, who presumably managed to get the afternoon off from his middle management position in the local library to front the media and complain about “the football”, is expecting “hundreds” of protesters to vent their anger at the MCG’s parking policy this Sunday.

What the “dozens” of people who turn up to watch this twilight match between the league’s two least popular clubs think of having their parking obstructed by “hundreds” of demonstrators remains unclear but, for Kangaroos supporters at least, it will be a pleasant reprieve from watching Daniel Wells fail to fulfil his potential in another second half where the Roos have a chance to win the game but fall short.

Dow gave no indication whether every representative of the Yarra Park Association had their heads as far up their own arses as he does and failed to notice that the giant coliseum next to the house they were moving into was actually used to host major events every weekend of winter.

Moving next to the MCG and complaining about the crowds on game day is a bit like moving into an apartment above Grey Street in St. Kilda and writing to your local member for parliament to complain about all the street hookers, or, to use an even more tenuous analogy, like Mick Malthouse drafting Leigh Brown only to complain midway during the season that he’s slow and has the body shape of Judy Moran but with less mobility.

"The local community is very passionate about this issue," Mr Dow said in indicating that the Association had begun letter dropping the local area and starting an online petition. "Those 4000 cars that park there clog up the neighbourhood and cause tremendous congestion."

While some sympathy must be extended towards Mr. Dow, after all no one wants 60,000 Collingwood supporters turning up on your back doorstep every second weekend, his claims seem less plausible when one considers that football has been played at the MCG for over 100 years, 97 of which featured Robert Harvey in some capacity, and people have been parking their horse-drawn carts, bicycles, vehicles and, in the case of Collingwood supporters, stolen horse-drawn carts, bicycles and vehicles, since well before PC thugs like Mr. Dow moved into the area.

Someone who is pushing their barrow for a worthy cause is former Collingwood defender Shane Wakelin, who is running for the World Wildlife Fund at the Run Melbourne Charity event on this Sunday, June 28. People can donate by sponsoring Wakelin at the following site: http://runmelbourne.everydayhero.com.au/shane_wakelin_WWF.

The WWF is offering fantastic giveaways for the seven most generous donators with two prime Sherrins signed by Wakelin up for grabs and five WWF gift packs containing a t-shirt, plush toy, mug and a carry bag which Pies fans can use to carry six-packs of Woodstock Bourbon home from their local liquor merchant every second Tuesday.

Prizes are also on offer for the first Collingwood supporter to pick the difference between Shane and Darryl Wakelin in a line-up, with the winner allowed to fare evade on the way home with renowned public transport user Shane, with Wakes assisting in the assaulting of any ticket inspectors encountered on the way home on the Broadmeadows line.

C’mon people, sign up and donate. If Best Clubman earned a wage, we’d do it.

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POLYESTER EMBASSY TOUR…

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Watch a game featuring the LA Clippers in full. Laugh at anything the supposedly witty Shaun Micallef has to say. Wear in public the “Polyester Embassy Tour” t-shirt we bought at a Madison Avenue gig at Salt nightclub in 2000.

This is a bunch of things Best Clubman has never done for the first time. Until today, we could include feeling sorry for Wayne Carey to that list.

Now, coming as this is from a writer with few credentials, even fewer readers, and whose one trick is making tenuous analogies and quips about in the misfortune of others, the news that Carey has pulled a calf muscle only minutes into a game raising money for charity made us feel sorry for Carey in a place which Denis Leary described as “the sub-cockle area”, may sound a tad trite.

But it’s true. Think about it. In the space of 18 months Carey has had what passed for his life fall apart. Trying to start afresh on the Gold Coast, the Australian equivalent of moving to Vegas to try and clean up your act and get your life together, most people who haven’t had their A-cups squeezed in a Melbourne nightclub in the 1990s and been told to “get a bigger set of tits” would have some sort of empathy for The Duck.

Carey was lining up in a division two Queensland Amateur Football League match as a favour to a friend and for the sole purpose of raising money for a charity helping youth at risk.

Having spent less than five minutes on the park, which 10 years ago was long enough for The Duck to have a match sown up, the big man left the ground with what the newspapers described as a lower leg injury.

As this was reported in the Herald-Sun, Carey may or may not have suffered the injury while selling or taking illicit drugs, assaulting his girlfriend or assisting a migrant, all acts considered un-Australian by Australia’s major daily tabloid newspaper.

“I just went bang. For anyone thinking about making a comeback at 38, think again”, Carey said in what served as a warning for John Farnham making another comeback at age of 59.

After a period of revelatory honesty and self-assessment about his life, Carey seems intent on improving himself and his contribution to society, with his management organising for the $5 all spectators at the match paid for entry going to charity and Carey agreeing to forgo the regular $200 match payment fee for players.

"I've never done anything like this in my life," Carey said post match in what Best Clubman took to mean either pulling a calf muscle or giving to charity.

The most amazing aspect of this story is that a side in Queensland’s second amateur division pays its players $200 per match, approximately $192.74 more than Carey’s old side the Kangaroos can scratch together as a reward for another six touch effort from the likes of David Hale.

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IN SPADES…

Friday, June 19, 2009

If the Herald-Sun is to be believed, which it’s not, the Kangaroos are prepared to offer Nathan Buckley $800,000 to coach the club next season.

Collingwood president, and renowned Buckley fan, Eddie McGuire believes Bucks is worth all $800,000 bucks despite the cash-strapped Kangaroos’ balance sheet revealing the club’s entire asset base comprises its dilapidated Arden Street training base, the second hand Econovan Glen Archer donated a few years ago, and a pirated copy of Microsoft Office 2000 the club intends to install when it is able to afford a computer.


While McGuire admitted that $800,000 is obscene amount for a fiscally challenged club to pay for a coach with zero experience, he believes the Kangaroos would benefit from appointing Buckley for no other reason than Bucks has four old Sherrins he nicked from Collingwood at the end of 2007 lying in his car boot, which would take the Roos’ stock of balls to a total of five for 2010.

"At North Melbourne, if you got somebody like a Nathan Buckley, you’d have to pay him that amount of money because that’s what he’s worth, and he’d bring that to you in spades," McGuire said.

If a rumour doing the rounds is to be believed, which it isn’t, if Buckley is appointed as head coach, the Kangaroos would also be bringing his remuneration to him in “spades“… literally, with Archer having a mate who’s a landscape gardener with 800,000 second hand spades just sitting around doing nothing like they’re David Hale having a spell at full-forward.

Where this leaves Collingwood, a club who’s morally bankrupt instead of just plain old bankrupt, remains to be seen. With Buckley wanting to enter coaching next year, the Pies’ sudden resurgence under coaching incumbent Micky Malthouse leave them in a difficult situation at the end of the year with Malthouse intent on continuing.

Given Eddie’s infatuation with Bucks and well known connections with Melbourne‘s inner western suburbs, poor old Micky may be called to a meeting in an Ascot Vale deli in the near future so the Pies can appoint their former captain as head coach.

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KANGAROO JACK…

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

With Kangaroos coach Dean Laidley resigning yesterday, club president James Brayshaw has revealed that he had been forced to talk Laidley out of resigning at least twice in the past year.

It remains unclear which specific two of Scott McMahon’s insipid performances were the catalyst for the earlier resignations, but the final straw this time appears to be Laidley’s underlying feeling that he had not achieved what he promised when accepting the job at the end of 2002.

"We have had a couple of gos at talking Dean out of it and I just thought from the tone of his voice and the dialogue that we'd had over a six-month period then I knew that this time it was what he wanted to do," Brayshaw said.

"On this occasion I just got a very strong sense." Brayshaw said in describing his observation that in sending out last weekend’s side to face Adelaide with Corey Jones, Nathan Grima, Daniel Harris and Sam Power in it, Laidley wanted to get fired.

Laidley leaves the Kangaroos having coached 149 games over six-and-a-half seasons, a reign that will go down as being about as memorable as the film Kangaroo Jack and, amazingly, even worse to watch.

"I sat down last Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and went through it all," Laidley said. "And what I did I went back to my initial presentation at the footy club and by the time I had finished yesterday afternoon it became patently obvious to me that it was time to move on for Dean Laidley to continue to further his career and for things he wants do with his life."

Laidley’s future interests include improving an already impressive golf handicap, raising money for leprosy, and embarking on a campaign to refer to himself in the third person, which apparently kicked off in that last sentence.

In summing up his time at the helm of the Roos, Laidley reflected on his 2002 vision of winning a premiership by 2007, a year in which the Kangaroos made the preliminary final.

"We fell short by seven days of making a grand final," he rued without mentioning that his side, in addition to being seven days short of a grand final, were also 87 points of a Port Adelaide side who a week later were a measly 119 points short of eventual premier Geelong meaning, ultimately, Laidley’s Kangaroos came about as close to achieving his initial ambitions as Kangaroo Jack came to winning the Best Picture Oscar of 2003.

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LAST-MINUTE DECISION…

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Adelaide coach Neil Craig has decided to question whether North Melbourne are guilty of perpetrating the biggest fraud in AFL footballer.

No, not the existence of “Shinboner Spirit”, a quantity used by all associated with the Kangaroos to describe hard fought wins against better opposition yet surprisingly absent from massive losses like the one the Crows dished out yesterday.

Craig was talking about North’s last-minute decision to leave backup ruckman David Hale out of yesterday’s side due to what the club initially described as injury.

However, in a slip of the tongue, North assistant coach Darren Bewick said the decision to withdraw Hale was made for tactical reasons given the wet conditions, which is not allowed under current AFL rules.

It remains unclear whether Craig was concerned about Hale’s withdrawal because of the dangerous precedent it sets or because having to play North Melbourne without Hale in the side actually makes them harder to beat, given that he collects more than 10 possessions about as often as Matthew Lloyd marks without falling to the ground.

Craig said the Crows would be investigating the incident. "I'm on the understanding that (withdrawing a named player at the last minute) can only happen because of injury or sickness not because of weather conditions," he said.

In fairness to Kangaroos, most teammates and supporters were of the opinion that Hale hadn’t played the last month given his previous five appearances have seen him amass 9, 11, 11, 6 and 4 possessions.

With a record of performances like this, Kangaroos players could be convinced into wearing black armbands next week in commemoration of Hale’s death before noticing at three-quarter time that the big man with the newly repaired hairline was actually playing in the ruck all game.

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DENIM JACKETS WITH DENIM JEANS…

Sunday, June 14, 2009

There’s nothing worse than someone who worries about their health and fitness to the point of annoyance. Take ex-Mrs. Best Clubman for example.

Years ago, before the current epoch where Best Clubman’s primary means of picking up begins with a trip to an ATM and ends with a law school dropout with a large amenities bill to urgently pay telling us what we can and can’t do to her for $150 in the next half hour, Best Clubman once had a healthy relationship until ex-Mrs. Best Clubman became a fitness nut and became increasingly worried about what she put in her body.

Eventually, Best Clubman’s phallus was added to a list that included Mars Bars, soft drink and pizza and it’s been loneliness, tracksuit pants and watching Andy Maher on The Fifth Quarter on Saturday nights ever since.

With the current swine flu pandemic gripping our shores, the sight of people on trains, trams, buses and footpaths wearing face masks as a ridiculously pessimistic precaution has reminded Best Clubman of the folly of some people in overreacting to even minor health concerns.

Take the Adelaide Crows for example. Young midfielder Richard Douglas has been withdrawn from this weekend’s side to face North Melbourne after reporting flu-like symptoms on Friday.

Douglas is now faced with the ridiculous situation of being quarantined at home until the results of tests are known despite empirical data indicating a resident of Adelaide is three times as likely to die from being dunked in a vat of acid in a discarded bank vault than they are of keeling over from the flu, either swine induced or the good old fashioned influenza variety.

The Crows are reflecting a massive overreaction occurring Australia wide which overlooks the facts that, each year, regular old influenza kills dozens of people and will continue to do so. It’s June people, folks die of the flu every year. It’s not going away and something the human race needs to evolve around in order to survive, just like David Koch.

If the Crows need further solace that their man is going to be just fine, they should reassure themselves with the fact that the form of swine flu that has reached our shores is relatively weak compared to the overseas version.

Not to mention that N1H1 has only just reached Melbourne and, as we know from the sight of spades of kids wearing denim jackets with denim jeans in Rundle Mall each weekend, trends that hit Melbourne take a good seven years to come to Adelaide anyway, so whatever Douglas has can’t be swine flu.

To compound the massive overreaction, the Crows have also withdrawn Douglas’ housemate Tony Armstrong, who was listed as an emergency for this week’s match, on the logic that the flu, like a drunk teenage groupie in a hotel room with a group of Cronulla Sharks on an end of season trip, does get passed around from man to man.

"Dougy has the symptoms of the flu and, as part of the process that everyone is going through at the moment, anyone that is living in the same quarters - which in this case is Tony - has to be kept out of harm's way," Crows football operations manager John Reid said while confronting the media while wearing trying to get a glimpse of his new denim jacket to see if it matched his new denim jeans in the reflection of a windscreen on a nearby parked car.

For the sake of our sanity, it is to be hoped the Kangaroos don’t live in a similar nanny state to the Crows and decide to pull their team from making the trip to Adelaide for the game today.

Although, given the state of the club’s finances, it may be in the best interests for the players to not play as the only form of medical assistance the club can afford to provide the players is a rudimentary pre-game check-up where the doctor puts his hands around each player’s spuds and asks them to cough, before a club official provides each of the 22 players taking the field with an empty Coles plastic bag to put over their head with holes poked out for the eyes, mouth and, in the case of Brady Rawlings, the nose.

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ROCK AND/OR ROLL…

Friday, June 12, 2009

Apparently the question “Who wants to pay excessive ticket prices to watch five men well past their prime go through the motions at Etihad Stadium in February?” now has two answers - AC/DC fans and Richmond supporters keen to see if this year is the year that Joel Bowden, Troy Simmonds, Nathan Brown, Kayne Pettifer and Jordan McMahon finally put it all together in the NAB Cup pre-season competition.

You see, Etihad management have made a slight oversight by booking AC/DC to perform at the ground in February, a time most AFL fans reserve for having their club instil them with false hope on the back of performances from likely types the calibre of Josh Thurgood and Kasey Green.

This has now brought about a double booking, with AFL boss Andrew “The Hut” Demetriou angry that Etihad are determined to allow AC/DC the usage of the ground despite a pre-existing contract with the AFL to host the pre-season series.

Etihad can’t be blamed - the opportunity of an AC/DC concert no doubt provides a greater return than hosting a Melbourne-Fremantle blockbuster where one team puts 18 men behind the ball and the other doesn‘t realise which end it is kicking to until midway through the third term.

The federal government would also lean on the side of the purveyors of Rock and/or Roll given the associated benefits of having 40,000 bogans from low socio-economic areas all procreate on the one night and produce 20,000 new Australians nine months later at a time when the nation’s birth rate is at record low levels.

With AC/DC pencilled in for concerts on February 11, 13 and 15, the AFL is sure to make a stand, leading to a protracted series of negotiations where the only certain outcome is that Robert Murphy from the Bulldogs will make another series of razor-sharp “rock is like footy” analogies in his weekly column in The Age.

Not helping matters is the fact Demetriou learnt about the clash through the media and has still not been notified by Etihad management, leaving him in a state of shock and confusion not experienced since the last time he stood on a set of bathroom scales or tried to squeeze through a doorframe narrower than Bass Straight.

"I suspect that Etihad Stadium today will be trying to work out a way to come to us, to ask us - after the event, as usual - to see if we can move our football fixture," Demetriou said.

Demetriou summed the whole situation up by saying “it’s a very, very ordinary business”, although we’re not sure if he was referring to the dispute with Etihad or the merits of a continuing to hold a pre-season competition won twice by Carlton in three years with Adrian De Luca and Cain Acland playing prominent roles.

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A RECOMMENDED CURE FOR LIVING…

Friday, June 12, 2009

In Greek mythology, Icarus brought about his own downfall by flying too close to the sun, ultimately plummeting into the sea after his wings of wax melted and left him gravity bound to an extent not seen since Pat Reidy tried to dunk late in a North Melbourne Giants NBL game in the mid-90s.

Get ready for the AFL version as an increasingly over-confident Ross Lyon flies too close to the sun based on wings of delusion if this interview is anything to go by.

Despite Lyon’s coaching showing the attacking instincts of a tax agent who collects postcards and considers switching from brown to white bread a high risk manoeuvre, the man with the Seven Dwarves-like demeanour has come out and criticised the “dour” tactics other coaches are employing against his undefeated Saints.

See, most people who know a thing or two about AFL, of which Best Clubman is definitely not one, recognise that the Saints are the most unconvincing chart-topping phenomena since Savage Garden conquered the charts armed only with a couple of catchy hooks and two men with fringes tizzed up to a level outlawed in most US states.

After racking up large scores against quality outfits like West Coast, Fremantle and Collingwood earlier in the season, three sides whose combined seasonal highlight thus far is running through a banner that successfully rhymed the words “Remember“ and “September“, Lyon has become annoyed that St. Kilda have been held to under 100 points in their last four games.

"We have come up against teams whose focus has been more negative, just to stop us," Lyon said when asked about the scoring decline and whether his personality has been approved by the food and drug administration board as a recommended cure for living.

"There has been a lot of holding and grappling and all of a sudden we have become involved in high stoppage games, like the one on the weekend when there were 118 stoppages (against North) when we have averaged about 80 (per game)," he complained without apparently recognising the contradiction that is coaching a team with Steven Baker and Clinton Jones and complaining about holding and grappling off the ball.

After revealing his one key attacking strategy for the year is “I hope Kosi doesn’t get injured again”, Lyon tried to explain how other clubs approach a clash with the Saints. "(Opposition) teams think we can't go with them (St Kilda) so we just negate them and it becomes a dour, intense struggle so it’s probably limited our scoring a little bit."

Lyon wouldn’t reveal the exact teams who feel they don’t have the pace to go with the sloth-like midfield of Lenny Hayes, Luke Ball, Steven Baker and Andrew McQualter but an educated guess from Best Clubman supposes it may be any team thinking of giving Mark McGough a prominent on-ball role in the immediate future.

Lyon revealed that he has begun to admire how Geelong is able to manage playing an opponent intent on defence each week, putting up with the very negative, unwatchable tactics Lyon usually employs, as anyone who had the misfortune of watching the St. Kilda-Geelong clash from last year’s finals or the game of water polo the following week against Collingwood, will testify.

"Geelong get different things thrown at them every week - you come up against teams with a zone defence, teams that play man-on-man and you have got to have the ability to adapt and work your way through the challenges put in front of you."

Kudos are in order for Lyon for taking a side providing a regular game to Jason Blake, Zac Dawson and Adam Schneider to the top of the ladder, but everyone recognises that come the crunch in September, Lyon will revert to form and have his side play the usual brand of hold-onto-it dross they usually serve up.

So having Lyon come out and claim the negativity of other teams is bringing the Saints down is the greatest act of hypocrisy since Ian Thorpe caught a snippet of Idol‘s Andrew G on the telly and thought to himself, “That lad‘s a bit dainty isn‘t he?”.

An inspection of the Saints’ first 11 games shows a club whose stars have miraculously aligned to ensure they have encountered exactly zero quality sides. Although they did beat the Western Bulldogs in Round 6 and there are people foolish enough to think the Dogs are contenders, but any side where Andrejs Everitt is a key position prospect may need to question whether winning football games in September is their core business.

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DISASTROUS…

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

As Best Clubman unwillingly approached the onset of middle age, all we hoped for was that our career, life and ability to pull women resembled Jack Nicholson’s at the same age.

Having now officially hit the ageing point of no return, which can be identified as beginning at the exact moment your favourite appendage shrinks to the point you need the assistance of a strategically placed mirror to locate it, it’s fair to say that all Best Clubman has in common with Jack Nicholson is the smile of a weirdo and the early onset of male-patterned baldness.

As for our career, well just like Jack’s hairline since 1975’s classic One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, it’s gone absolutely nowhere.

This feeling is likely shared by Richmond’s former captain Kane Johnson as he wakes up this morning on the first day of his retirement. Actually, that should read the first day after announcing his retirement, considering that, based on his performances since crossing to Richmond, Johnson seems to have put the cue back in the rack quite some time ago.

Showing the ability to impart sage wisdom that besets a man of retirement age, Johnson, who failed to manage an appearance this season, has labelled Richmond’s opening 11 rounds of the season as “disastrous”.

Given the Oxford English Dictionary now defines “disastrous” with the entry “an AFL team sheet with the name Jordan McMahon pencilled in”, Johnson’s description of Richmond’s year as “disastrous” didn’t really need to be said.

When asked to describe season 2009 to this point at his retirement press conference yesterday, Johnson sought to explain the tremendous let down the Tigers have experienced in what was thought to be a breakout year.

“Given the hype over the pre-season, we all thought, 'This is it, this is the time to launch'.” This is the exact same feeling Best Clubman has in that uncomfortable half hour in between taking that little blue pill and waiting for its effects to reach the front of our trousers to enable us to fulfil the duties we’ve just paid $300 per hour for.

Alas, just like our attempts at sexual adequacy despite the assistance of medicinal supplements, Richmond’s attempts at launching their first finals campaign in a long time have turned out to be an abject failure.

Johnson had hoped to return during the season as the Tigers made a push into September. With Richmond’s season now at 2-9, Friday night’s dismal second-half fadeout against the Western Bulldogs in coach Terry Wallace’s final game convinced Johnson to hang up the boots.

"After the way we got beaten (Friday), I thought the season's definitely lost in terms of playing finals," Johnson said. "I thought, 'We're going to have to rebuild here; good time to announce I'm going'."

Although it is believed a chronic knee injury was the underlying reason for Johnson’s retirement, the previous statement suggesting that he believed the Tigers were still a chance to make the finals up until Friday night’s hammering by the Bulldogs may suggest the onset of dementia was the ultimate cause of Johnson’s demise.

The Round 4 loss to bottom-placed Melbourne convinced Johnson that 2009 was going to be a long season. “If you beat Melbourne, you're back in it. We had to be 1-3 at least and the confidence would have come back”, he said in showing the depths the club had fallen if a win over the hapless Demons is considered as getting the club’s season back on track.

"When that didn't happen, I think people started thinking, 'Hang on a minute . . . where are we going?',” which is the same feeling Richmond supporters had in late 2006 when Greg Miller read out the immortal words: “With pick six in the 2007 AFL pre-season draft, Richmond selects Kent Kingsley”.

Johnson will continue on at the club in the role of development coach, content in the knowledge that he cemented his reputation in two Adelaide premierships in the late 90s and has been living off the deeds performed in this era for over a decade, just like Ben Affleck.

But, just like Affleck, the majority of the viewing public will remember Johnson for his series of dud performances in the time since DVDs replaced VHS, which is unfortunate given the kid could play and was tougher than Tom Berenger’s character in Platoon despite, remarkably, being less attractive given his tight-knitted, borderline-ginger perm and freckly complexion.

Not helping matters for Johnson’s legacy is the fact he is in the forefront of most people’s minds as they make their way home after a heavy night on the sauce and decide to sprinkle their name in urine on the wall of the local constabulary.

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FLOODING, RUSHED BEHINDS AND DES HEADLAND’S CAREER…

Monday, June 8, 2009

After Port Adelaide yesterday used stalling, go-slow possession tactics to defeat Fremantle, Dockers coach Mark Harvey has listed the defensive tactic as third in a list of things bothering Fremantle supporters after his coaching and being forced to watch Shaun McManus play for 14 seasons.

In yesterday’s clash at AAMI Stadium, the Power chipped the ball around towards the end of the game to hang onto a game-winning lead.

While most people who have seen an AFL game in the last 20 years are familiar with the tactic of a team leading hanging onto possession to wind the clock down at the end of the game, Fremantle supporters and coaching staff were apparently gob smacked by the tactic for no other reason than the Dockers are not usually close enough to justify the use of this tactic at the end of a match.

Harvey believes the league should look into policing so-called “tempo football” by implementing rules to prevent it. If Harvey had his way, “tempo football” would join “flooding”, “rushed behinds” and “Des Headland’s career” as things the game could do without.

"It certainly frustrates the crowd doesn't it? I mean I think everyone is aware of it, I think in time the AFL might clamp down on it," Harvey said in describing “tempo football” with a quote which simultaneously describes “Des Headland’s career”.

"We just introduced the rushed behind (rule) which is surrendering isn't it, so if they put the ball above their head are they surrendering ball movement? Maybe. That's up to the AFL but basically everyone knows what's going on."

Unfortunately for Fremantle supporters, opposition clubs holding onto the ball at end of games to protect leads are a part of the game and could be avoided if the Dockers actually led towards the end of a match, a feeling not even semi-regularly experienced since the Gerard Neesham era or, as Docker supporters have had to accept it as, the Dockers’ Woodstock.

While Harvey isn’t a fan of the delaying strategy, he isn’t too concerned about its impact on the overall standard of the game during the first half of the season. "I think it's been a terrific year so far ... I think the game is in good shape."

This is unlike the Dockers who, after three straight wins from Rounds 5-7, enter the middle of the season at 3-8 and again bracing themselves to adopt the same position as a scared teenage girl on all-fours on a motel room bed in a room full of Cronulla Sharks for the remainder of the season - a position Dockers supporters have come to accept as rightfully theirs over an insipid 15-year history.

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